Humour the best of medicine

[Engine Serang]

Adolph.......

[Varley]

I've heard those knees before, it's you isn't it Bob?

[jg grant]

T'rump has done it. He made America grate amen.

[John Rogers]

A text to a neighbor:

Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a
few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you
face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and
night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home
recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I
can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and
forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Richard

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and
shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered
a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I
assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had
changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all

[BobClay]

I always knew bloody radio would kill me in the end ...

[lakercapt]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.

[Y0ungN1ck]

[BobClay]

A dog walks into a post office and says to the Postmaster “I need to send a telegram.”

The Postmaster says “OK, what is it?”

The dog says “I need it to say, Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.”

The Postmaster counts the words and says “Well, for the same price, I can put 3 more 'woofs' in for you.”

The dog looks at him and says “But then it wouldn’t make any sense.”

[Malcolm G]

Was the dog somewhat shaggy by any chance?

[Engine Serang]

What's a Telegram?

[Malcolm G]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

What's a Telegram?

It's like a runner with a cleft stick.
I think that they may still employ such techniques in the Kernow Republic.

[Varley]

An intermediate stage between radio-gram and the DVD. Like the cross-bar selector, the technology gap was too short for it to catch-on.

[Engine Serang]

Swimmer with a cleft stick not much use off Ras Al Dazzle but the Marconigram could tell the Serang he was Paying-Off in Kuwait.
Marconi Sahib him very good man.

[BobClay]

As any ex-Marconi Man will tell you a telegram was a harbinger of doom when you heard that little red BSA Bantam pull up outside your door.

[Ted Else]

rrrufff rrrufff

[Varley]

Being left to hold Pa's hand when Ma went to visit Aunt we thought it a good wheeze to send them a greetings telegram along the lines of:

Urgent. Loo water turned from blue to white. Father on tiles nightly. Please advise.

It wasn't (at least not outside the confines of the Wardroom Bar at the Villiers).

[Engine Serang]

Great Aunt Agatha, one presumes. Toodle Pip.

[Ron Stringer]

Originally Posted by BobClay

As any ex-Marconi Man will tell you a telegram was a harbinger of doom when you heard that little red BSA Bantam pull up outside your door.

I used to bless the BSA Bantam - in our neck of the woods nobody other than the telegram boy rode one. The distinctive noise of that 2-stroke engine coming down the long lane where we lived gave me plenty of time to make myself scarce. Another telegram "Undelivered" and my leave continued, uninterrupted.

[BobClay]

Yep you could always tell the sound of a Bantam. A lot of bikers of my era passed their tests on one of those immediately progressing to 650cc Triumphs with bone breaking results.

[Y0ungN1ck]

[BobClay]

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this old thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?" he said.
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found nearby, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. Would you like a Whiskey?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You've built a Motorbike?”

[Farmer John]

Bob, I hate to break into your fantasy but small ropes such as those to moor a dinghy are not woven. As an alternative to your ending you could have the man explaining to the woman how to make rope with full details as to what cable laid rope was for. I know I would have.

[Engine Serang]

Ah its a technical manual and there's me thinking it was a funny wee story. FFS Serang, wake up.

[Varley]

Originally Posted by Farmer John

Bob, I hate to break into your fantasy but small ropes such as those to moor a dinghy are not woven. As an alternative to your ending you could have the man explaining to the woman how to make rope with full details as to what cable laid rope was for. I know I would have.

So you might. However I doubt you would have been asked-in for goodnight coffee.

[Engine Serang]

Originally Posted by Varley

I doubt you would have been asked-in for goodnight coffee.

Oh I say;;; how very Barbra Cartlandish, chivalry is still alive on Romantic Mona.