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#576
12th August 2020, 22:45
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COVID 19 SELF TEST
A new and easy self-test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean). Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there. Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. I'll report my results later. Stay Safe 
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#579
13th August 2020, 07:51
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It works just swell with Jamesons.
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#581
13th August 2020, 10:01
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If you can say this rapidly without mistake, you haven't got the virus.
If you can say: "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood ?" rapidly without mistake, you're probably immune. If you can say very rapidly "The Leith Police Dismisseth us" without mistake. You're probably Superman. As for "Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry" .... yer not human.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#582
13th August 2020, 10:22
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Red lorry? That is positive for leithpolicevirus. Surely leather is the virus free response.
I took several tests yesterday starting with Bushy's Castletown and finishing with Tesco's Tawny (the Rochas, from Pieroth's is only brought our when entertaining as the ladies think I am being tight arsed if I offer the Tesco's). Happily all were negative but is there a test for waking up on the deck disease?
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#583
3rd September 2020, 21:23
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An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.” The old lady wanted to know why ... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.” The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have £30,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow? The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to £3000 "Well, please let me have £3000 now", she said. The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her The old lady put £10 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit £2990 back into her account. The moral of this tale ....... Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#584
3rd September 2020, 22:12
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Bob, I can see my wife and my daughters all doing that. Eldest daughter went to shop, told she had to take clothes hangers and that the clothes had to be packed in their bags. She left with the clothes but no bag or hangers.
They're all very small and very fierce.
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Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais Last edited by Farmer John; 3rd September 2020 at 22:42.
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#585
4th September 2020, 06:18
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Okay I have waded through this whole thread and I laughed out loud quite a few times.
I must say however that John Rogers Septic Tank made me laugh the hardest ....
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#586
4th September 2020, 10:27
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Bob's joke isn't too far from reality. After leaving the sea I became a Sub-postmaster. One office I was at, an old lady came in to withdraw all the money from an Investment account; £13,000. She wanted me to count it out, although it was delivered by the PO in sealed bags. After counting, she gave it me back, saying "I just wanted to see if you still had it!"
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#587
4th September 2020, 11:26
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New Job Title
Don't know if anybody's seen this one before.
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#588
7th September 2020, 13:26
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Quote:
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#589
7th September 2020, 15:47
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Just a couple of miles down the road from where I was born.
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#590
10th September 2020, 09:56
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I know it's daft, but I laughed anyway ....
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#591
10th September 2020, 14:18
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A small titter and a loud groan.
Donald McGill would have had a much bigger "Titter".
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#592
11th September 2020, 09:37
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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the men in the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning, the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#593
11th September 2020, 21:51
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Laughed out loud at that one Bob!
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#594
13th September 2020, 23:43
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#595
16th September 2020, 12:52
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The 'Rule of Six.' (Much supported by Eli Wallach.)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#596
19th September 2020, 17:01
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Courtesy Kenneth Horn circa 1960(ish)
I wanted to purchase a novel by a well known Russian Author- so I sent a Chekov.......
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#597
19th September 2020, 18:01
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!960s, Kenneth Horne, and I bet he didn't make them up. I have a vision of humorists subtly edging Chekov towards a career as a writer, then fighting when he was first published to be the first to get a joke out.
__________________
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais
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#598
19th September 2020, 18:55
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Alexander might have Pushkin?
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#599
30th September 2020, 11:36
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Worzel under fire for not being online ....
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#600
5th October 2020, 22:45
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The Queen bought Prince Philip a Fox Fur hat for the cold weather.
A couple of months later he said to the Queen: "Here Liz, I've been invited to a shoot for the weekend near Barnsley." The Queen replied: "Wear the fox hat phil." Phil answered: "Near Bolton I think."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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