virtual crazy gang, part II

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

If anyone on my ship contacts Port Health they will be blackballed .

Sorry to be so tardy with my contributions for the past few days (AWOL taking family glamping for Easter weekend) but, I believe it was Red-17 who threatened to contact the Public Health Authorities. That raises the observation that such an action would be anatomically impossible (and a waste of shoe polish!)

[Engine Serang]

Sound man Tmac, the light bulbs have burst into life, just like Spring arriving. Hip, Hip etc for the Big Man.

My teeth cannot take anymore of Red 17's stringy barbequd kangaroo. Like Tmac I'm going to bring a Piece-Box with me when I sign on. BTW Red your icey cold Swan helps, it either tenderises the Joey, strengthens the teeth or numbs the senses, keep it coming.

[Dartskipper]

Originally Posted by Red-17

I am not sure to whom I should direct this enquiry but, hopefully, I will receive a sensible answer.

Absolutely priceless, best laugh I have had for weeks!

[Tmac1720]

Red 17.... awwwwww the naivety of youth.... "sensible answer" from this motley crew? Laugh?... the tears ran down my legs We don't do sensible, life is too short for that

[Tmac1720]

Engine Serang, Champ, Irish Stew, Colcannon and of course the ubiquitous Ulster Fry, you are welcome in the injuneers dining saloon at any time just bring the sausages, potato bread and yourself.

[Dartskipper]

Originally Posted by billyboy

Have no fears Dartskipper. Its now roofless with white sheepskin seat covers fitted and resprayed in a Gold colour.

Ah, good move.
Converting it into a ragtop and fitting new upholstery
Great idea.
But why did somebody paint the seats gold?

[Red-17]

Originally Posted by Tmac1720

Engine Serang, Champ, Irish Stew, Colcannon and of course the ubiquitous Ulster Fry, you are welcome in the injuneers dining saloon at any time just bring the sausages, potato bread and yourself.

That all sounds very tasty Tmac, if you would let me join you I could bring along a supply of venison sausages, I promise, no more kangaroo. Normally kangaroo is very tasty but I fear that because I could only get it frozen and not fresh it did not cook up well at all. Apologies to everyone.

[Red-17]

Originally Posted by Tom Alexander

Sorry to be so tardy with my contributions for the past few days (AWOL taking family glamping for Easter weekend) but, I believe it was Red-17 who threatened to contact the Public Health Authorities. That raises the observation that such an action would be anatomically impossible (and a waste of shoe polish!)

Pardon??? You may have to explain that to me Capt. Tom.

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Red-17

Pardon??? You may have to explain that to me Capt. Tom.

Oh! My! How insensitive of me!!! There is no other way of putting it -- but in order to be black balled, one has to have balls -- in the strict physical sense. (I sense from all your previous posts that you are strictly of the feminine gender, and therefore devoid of the necessary appendages, [enclosed by a scrotum] and therefore having nothing as delinieated to be blackened. ) In my experience, if someone (necessarily male) presented themselves as a continuing nuisance, they stood the chance of being forcibly restrained and having their genitals daubed with a mixture of black shoepolish and strawberry jam.(Preferably just prior to them being called on to stand their watch.) Perhaps that is why in our present day, we have to put up with a bunch of bleeding hearts, rather than putting a quick end to their continuing bleating??

O.K., O.K., So I am not a a P.C. type !!

[Engine Serang]

My dear Tom, you have broken your Articles on the GD2. Big mistake on your part.
The Ships Articles Section 2, Sub Section A, para 12, Clause 99 states that an Officer must never give an explanation to anyone not on a Company Contract. (Red 14 is a Trainee).

We now have to deal with a crock of sh1t, so Tmac and me have been drafted in to use his gift of the gab to calm down Red 14+3 and stop her upseting the apple tart. Tmac has been practising his little homily on the bottom plates in his deepest falsetto voice, and I paraphrase:-

" My dear Vermillion 17, pay no attention to poor old Tom, he has been snorting Alka-Seltzer from his toilet seat and has stopped speaking in joined up writing. Pay little attention to his antacid ramblings about boot polish, and listen to me instead. Blackballing is a verb, meaning to reject (a candidate applying to become a member of a private club), typically by means of a secret ballot.
synonyms: reject, debar, bar, ban, vote against, blacklist, exclude, shut out, leave out in the cold; expel, drum out, oust, cashier, ostracize, repudiate; boycott, snub, shun, spurn, cold-shoulder, give the cold shoulder to. So rest easy, we all respect you. Respect."
By the way, we down the engine room invite you to a tasting of our favourite tipple, a silky little glass of "Kiwi". It is distilled from an exotic blend of black boot polish and hot milk,and demand has forced us to offer a "Skimmed Milk" option for the Weightwatching Ladies on board. Two and a half glasses and you will forget all about Capt Tom.".

If this saves your scrawny neck Tom, you owe us big.

[McCloggie]

The term blackballing comes from London gentlemen’s clubs where during the election of potential new members the committe voted by placing a white ball or a black ball into a rack or similar receptacle.

White meant the potential member was acceptable and a black ball meant unacceptable. One black ball meant the potential was not allowed to join.

This original meaning has been subject to several revisions as shown above!

McC

[billyboy]

Tannoy: attention all crew, Libations on me in the PAX lounge. Cornish Pasties I found frozen have been thawed and reheated. Come have a break.

[Farmer John]

I'm there all ready. Where the hell are we? I just make sure we don't fall of the Chart, but I have got a little turned around.

[billyboy]

Just recently glanced at our map thingy. we are about 20 miles south east of the rum glass rings.

[billyboy]

been working on our new menu. would this meet with ones approval?

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

My dear Tom, you have broken your Articles on the GD2. Big mistake on your part.
The Ships Articles Section 2, Sub Section A, para 12, Clause 99 states that an Officer must never give an explanation to anyone not on a Company Contract. (Red 14 is a Trainee).

We now have to deal with a crock of sh1t, so Tmac and me have been drafted in to use his gift of the gab to calm down Red 14+3 and stop her upseting the apple tart. Tmac has been practising his little homily on the bottom plates in his deepest falsetto voice, and I paraphrase:-

" My dear Vermillion 17, pay no attention to poor old Tom, he has been snorting Alka-Seltzer from his toilet seat and has stopped speaking in joined up writing. Pay little attention to his antacid ramblings about boot polish, and listen to me instead. Blackballing is a verb, meaning to reject (a candidate applying to become a member of a private club), typically by means of a secret ballot.
synonyms: reject, debar, bar, ban, vote against, blacklist, exclude, shut out, leave out in the cold; expel, drum out, oust, cashier, ostracize, repudiate; boycott, snub, shun, spurn, cold-shoulder, give the cold shoulder to. So rest easy, we all respect you. Respect."
By the way, we down the engine room invite you to a tasting of our favourite tipple, a silky little glass of "Kiwi". It is distilled from an exotic blend of black boot polish and hot milk,and demand has forced us to offer a "Skimmed Milk" option for the Weightwatching Ladies on board. Two and a half glasses and you will forget all about Capt Tom.".

If this saves your scrawny neck Tom, you owe us big.

Methinks that you are a veritable "Sea Lawyer". By definition of several dictionaries, that is "a contentious sailor, who habitually argues, questions orders and regulations, etc." Should Red-17 be upset in any way by my explanation, I will gladly listen to her complaint, and make any due reparations as she might request. I should point out that she has been a full fledged member of the GD II since before you joined, and it is therefore her perogative to question my motives.

In the meantime, I'm going to take up Sir William's offer in the PAX lounge.

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by billyboy

Just recently glanced at our map thingy. we are about 20 miles south east of the rum glass rings.

You're absolutely correct, Sir William -- still moored in Nassau harbour -- BUT -- I did run into a fellow in a white suit with a Panama hat and dark glasses, who wondered if, for a price of course, we could run some suitcases packed with U.S. $20 bills down to some unspecified private island in the Caribbean. With a substantial down payment he will advise us of the destination in due course. He also has contracted to have our fuel tanks topped up at his expense. I did give tentative approval when he sent 5 cases of Four Bells to replenish the wheelhouse stock.

[Dartskipper]

Originally Posted by Tom Alexander

You're absolutely correct, Sir William -- still moored in Nassau harbour -- BUT -- I did run into a fellow in a white suit with a Panama hat and dark glasses, who wondered if, for a price of course, we could run some suitcases packed with U.S. $20 bills down to some unspecified private island in the Caribbean. With a substantial down payment he will advise us of the destination in due course. He also has contracted to have our fuel tanks topped up at his expense. I did give tentative approval when he sent 5 cases of Four Bells to replenish the wheelhouse stock.

"Substantial Down Payment.."

This chap didn't have a brother who was a very good friend of the cousin of the President of Nigeria, and was the Foreign Exchange Director of a bank trying to move gazillions of $U.S. into a foreign country and avoiding tax in the process? By all means accept graciously the 5 cases of replenishment, but be EXTREeeeeemly careful of making any kind of "down payment." These fellows in cream suits, crocodile skin shoes, panama hats and sunglasses all have very deep pockets and very short arms! You may never see the money again.

[billyboy]

hows the new menu folks?.....

[Varley]

It seems incomplete in the extreme. There's nothing I can drink on this bit. Whine, whine, where's the wine?

[billyboy]

Vintage port and claret included with every meal David.

[Engine Serang]

Claret is appreciated, its on the reverse of the menu. Windows 17 can rotate a page. Can Luigi add Ox-Tail Jardiniere as a Plat du Jour?

[billyboy]

also there will be horses doofers and bangers & Mash.

[McCloggie]

A very nice taster menu!

We still need some decent maim courses apart from the Italian stuff (nice though it is).

Now pasties and anchovies with anchovies on toast with anchovies are indeed wonderful culinary delights I think we must offer some alternatives. We must have a good curry option and then of course the "game" as well - pheasant, venison, grouse, rabbit and hare etc. Apart from Vietnamese type food we need to have steaks, other beef dishes, lamb, pork, (roasts of course), some seafood and chicken is always good.

For our antipodean crew members I would certainly add kangaroo, ostrich and maybe even camel and crocodile!

Now I am happy to make suggestions, BUT I am not a caterer, have never been one and will not start now!

We should recruit a decent chef - or indeed let Gordon do his own thing in the galley!

McC

[Farmer John]

Whilst some talks, some does. I have just had word that a little scheme of mine has been successful, you may notice a man wearing an iron mask in the Galley, don't ask him his name and don't lend him a nailfile.

You will hear nothing on the news, it is all to be kept behind the teeth. I have high hopes this recruit will join us on a permanent basis, top Cheffing is very stressful and can lead to bad language. Sir William's menu will be available, and as dishes are requested, they will be added. The Plaggy Stewarts will work with and for this man, I think we have a solution.

I have heard that most of the Public Health Inspectors have settled down to their new life aboard the "Flying Cockroach", and can be very nimble under the right encouragement. The change will do them good and we drew £500 each for our crimping efforts.

Good result all round.