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#251
15th February 2019, 22:22
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Saw a good one today:
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defence attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) 
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#252
16th February 2019, 16:18
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Older Men Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works; Two very beautiful, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No', but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also February 1st, 2nd, 8th, twice on the 10th & 11th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of an elderly man. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's and I've missed several meals as well. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, and to Wal-Mart. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) ** END **
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#254
20th February 2019, 16:10
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Native Americans are renowned for their pragmatism …
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#255
20th February 2019, 21:19
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Quote:
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Welcome to my blog: https://1513fusion.wordpress.com
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#257
25th February 2019, 23:00
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"I'm sorry," said the barman. "We don't serve time travellers."
A time traveller walks into a bar.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#258
26th February 2019, 21:06
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This one requires a huge moan.
Chicken Surprise A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.' (You're going to love this.............You're going to hate yourself for loving this!...............) 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!' geoff
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#259
26th February 2019, 21:29
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Somewhere, far far away in another galaxy, there may well be a super advanced civilization that can actually build some kind of highly advanced groan-o-meter that could survive that joke.
Somewhere ….   
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#260
26th February 2019, 22:19
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Titanium body, Jimmy Tarbuck comparator inside and a Tungsten Carbide pointer should do the trick. It will, naturally, have a 50% filter for Geoff's lesser jokes.
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#261
27th February 2019, 00:37
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Quote:
Today, the YMs (SWMBO) meets with a group of her dragon lady friends and the 'Peeking Duck' will be her contribution to the gathering (assuming that she can shout loudly enough to be heard). Meanwhile, peace, perfect peace, at home for the dog and I.
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#262
27th February 2019, 10:07
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Every 'groany' joke has a 'cheerful' lining.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#263
27th February 2019, 16:51
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An old salt was standing in the dock charged with multiple counts of rape, sexual assault and indecent exposure. "How do you plead" asked the judge but received only a mumble in reply "Speak up man" thundered the judge at which point the defence barrister stood up and said "My lord, my client has an extremely sore throat and is having difficulty speaking" "would he like to suck a Fisherman's Friend?" enquired the judge "I doubt it my lord, I think he's in enough trouble already" replied the barrister.
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Oul scabby knuckles  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Anything God didn't create was made by engineers. I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots 
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#265
6th March 2019, 18:05
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500.” Don’t groan too loudly——people will think something is wrong. geoff
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#267
7th March 2019, 10:28
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Quote:
I read it on both sites Geoff - good one. JJ.
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#268
9th March 2019, 12:34
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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 56 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The young doctor looked up and said “Has she still got the hiccups?” geoff
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#269
10th March 2019, 14:25
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For those that have not read this on 'the other side'...
A Husband and Wife who worked for the Circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.?? The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot Motor Home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful Nursery. The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time Tutor will teach the Child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and Computer Skills". Then the social workers expressed concern about a Child being raised in a Circus environment.?? "Our Nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to Adopt"..?? "It doesn't really matter... As long as the child fits in the Cannon"... geoff
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#270
10th March 2019, 15:56
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When you take the p1ss out of a cat … you get your card marked.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#271
10th March 2019, 20:09
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I guess most of us have been there.
Feel free to groan
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#272
12th March 2019, 14:07
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You have to be of a certain age to appreciate...
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#273
13th March 2019, 19:27
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A Chicken walks into a village bookshop, lurches up to the counter with that jerky walk they do, and says "Buk!"
Quick thinking the shop owner reaches over to the best sellers shelf, grabs one, places it on the counter and with a smile says "Book! - that'll be £9.99 please" To the shop owner's amazement the Chicken counts out the exact money, picks up the book and leaves. Next day the Chicken is back again, up to the counter and says "Buk! Buk!" Owner grabs two books from the best seller counter, plonks them on the counter and says " Two books, that'll be £18.98 please" The shop owner is not so surprised when the Chicken counts out the exact money, takes the books and leaves. All day the shop owner can't get these events out of his mind - it's really bothering him. Next day the Chicken is back again. "Buk! Buk! Buk!" Owner places three books on the counter and says "Three books, £29.97 please" Chicken duly leaves the exact amount, picks up the books and leaves the shop. This is doing the bookshop owners head in. He is now really determined to figure out what is going on so he quickly closes up the shop and sets out to follow the Chicken. Now Chickens don't walk all that fast (especially when carrying three books) but what with getting his coat and locking the till and setting the alarm and locking the shop by now the Chicken has quite a head start on the shop owner, The shop owner spots it in the distance towards the far end of the high street as it crosses the road. The owner hurries along the high street after it. As he reaches the crossing he can see the Chicken enter the village green which is opposite. Delayed a little by the traffic the shop owner crosses the road and can see the Chicken lurching down towards the pond. The shop owner gains rapidly on the Chicken and arrives, somewhat breathless, at the side of the pond adjacent to a large lily pad. On the lily pad is the Chicken with the books and a large frog. The shop owner sees the Chicken pass the books one by one to the frog, and hears it say "Buk! Buk! Buk!. The Frog looks at each book and says "Redit! Redit! Redit!" [I'll get my coat] geoff
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#274
13th March 2019, 21:51
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You'll get your coat? You will get it handed to you for that.
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Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais
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#275
13th March 2019, 22:24
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Yep, it'll come in handy as a parachute when we ask you to leave the top floor via the window …
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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