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#376
20th July 2019, 22:29
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Bob, only because you only know good jokes now.
(Sniggers into hand)
__________________
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais 
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#377
21st July 2019, 06:40
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Relax Bob, I have spare batteries for the meter. Your jokes always cause a Full Scale Deflection and eat the batteries, try to be less witty, a bit like ****** and ***********.
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#378
21st July 2019, 09:07
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I'll have you know I tested all my jokes on my Mark 7 Neutronium Reinforced Carbon Fibre Super Groan-O-Meter before I use them.
(It's one of the reasons I'm no longer a Groanologist.) 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#379
22nd July 2019, 11:16
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A young lady was up in court accused of defacing library books, namely removing all the full stops.
The judge informed her that if she did this sort of thing she should expect a long sentence.
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#381
22nd July 2019, 14:11
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Quote:
Notgood for a woman to miss her periods/full stops  .
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#382
22nd July 2019, 15:51
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A young thug with his pants hanging half off his ass walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We’ve just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." ..... geoff
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#383
29th July 2019, 20:55
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#384
31st July 2019, 14:45
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#385
7th August 2019, 21:10
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A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?" This time, a little voice came out of the box. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!" geoff
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#386
8th August 2019, 06:34
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What a punch line!
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#387
8th August 2019, 07:57
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I'm almost tempted to go back into the groan-o-meter business.
ALMOST. 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#388
8th August 2019, 09:23
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Bob,
I'm sure that something will tip you over the edge before long. Just keep the meter in working order for the time being at least, please. 
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#389
8th August 2019, 11:17
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The next Groanometer should have a switch to destroy it's unusually high impedance when working on sailor's low impedance humour. One wouldn't want it 'seeing' humour through an almost open circuit or what Pa would have called shit without wit. Not, of course, that we get that much of that here.
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#390
8th August 2019, 12:23
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I was thinking of a completely non-electrical groan-o-meter. Say a catgut humidity detector that works on the principle that some jokes are so bad, everybody starts to cry which causes a sharp increase in humidity.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#391
8th August 2019, 14:11
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It would be interesting to build a recording meter, you could run it alongside a barograph and attempt to see if there is any correlation between humour and atmospheric pressure. I have long felt that there may be, with a linkage also to day length. A wet day in winter when it is threatening a windy whistle finds me short of laughs.
__________________
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais
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#392
8th August 2019, 18:06
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Quote:
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#393
8th August 2019, 18:50
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We'll force them to wear astronaut style highly absorbent underpants ….. (let's be honest, half of them probably need to anyway.)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#394
8th August 2019, 19:26
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OK....get the pants out Bob........
"My car broke down so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. He said “Hello Sir, you are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed too". I could see the problem... Bat flattery" geoff
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#395
8th August 2019, 19:42
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TWANG !!!!!!
(Catgut snapped on my prototype.) Back to the drawing board. 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#396
9th August 2019, 09:40
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I can see one problem there. It is horsehair you need. Cat gut is for ungaping wounds and for violinning. One needs far fewer animals in the supply chain too, although they do need feeding.
You might think of raising roses at the same time. Doesn't solve the potential urinary problem 'though.
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#397
9th August 2019, 11:46
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I'm a biker. I don't raise roses. (Untangles tongue.)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#398
9th August 2019, 14:13
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I'm a biker, I gang bang Roses...………. and Rosies, and Sharons and Treacys. For some reason we bikers seldom meet a Camilla or Lavinia or Allegra or Sophia, perhaps their ballgowns catch in the chain.
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#399
9th August 2019, 17:27
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So there's not much chance of a Lucinda Fortesque-Smythe then ?
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#400
9th August 2019, 17:34
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Lucinda might have a younger sister. Want me to ask?
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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