virtual crazy gang, part II

[Varley]

Mincemeat is easy enough to make SirW. No excuse.

As it is impossible to buy ingredients in the right quantity for the Christmas cake there is plenty left over. That's what I use to make the mincemeat.

Pastry? Now that would be a problem

[billyboy]

very kind thought Jeffers. Thank you.

[Engine Serang]

As advised I have spent the day with my kith and kin and am now heartily fed up. Pig Sick, in fact. My In-Laws make FJ, BB, Tmac and Mr V look good and that's no mean feat.
Permission to come aboard 6 days early, I'll help plan the fantasmagorical New Years Eve festivities. cheers Shipmates.

[Varley]

As long as you bring a carry-out and some morsels of Turkey to make a sandwich whilst the plasticos are on leave. Perhaps even some cold Irish lamb with which to make curry?

(The original plan for New Year has misfired. Which was to be a murder mystery. I hope to be reminded later what we are going to do. If anything. Those 67 turkey's may have been sufficient for me to take the New Year more quietly!)

[billyboy]

OWNWERS LOG:
Ships under water work completed. Hull painters hard at it. Ship is remarkable quiet with crew ashore on leave.
ES has returned early so I dont have to drink aboard alone. (one must be gratull for small mercy's this time of the year.
Engine room work is also been completed as per Tmacs instructions.
Squirrel and Rat have been well fed and are in fact enjoying Christmas pud in the control room.
Seems like a nice day so we could let them on deck for a Bronzie.
My Stewrd has been a Godsend this year keeping me well fed and of a decent alcohole level.

[Engine Serang]

Photographs in todays Sydney Tatler of Lord V and Tmac on a Norfolk Beat with Prince Harry and the stunning Ms Markle, a pair of toffs. Gongs are guaranteed.


Would it be remiss of me to suggest Mr Jeffers be promoted to Chef? McCloggie has been less than Michelin and I am spending more time with my pants around my ankles than around my waist. There's more saveloys in our STP than there is in the East End.

[Tmac1720]

While you lot have been stuffing your faces with Mince Pies and other seasonal delights Squeek Eric and I have installed under a cloak of secrecy our new 'nantomic injuns which will produce enhanced stealth capability. Because of this each crew member will require an elctro...eletric.... eletcro.... one of those tracker thingumaies to be inserted into their person. The location is your preference but I would suggest the stern orifice would be less painful and possibly rather enjoyable !!!! they do vibrate at a satisfying frequency specially recommended by Varley.

I'm off to the New Year party in my funnel suite if I can find the bloody thing as I've lost my tracker. I farted and it flew over the rail

[Farmer John]

Can I have my tracker inserted into my left testicle. It is in Bradford Infirmary, at least that is where I left it in 1968.

[Varley]

Only faulty ones vibrate. Don't fret however as I have ordered a job lot of seconds so should be able to find a jockey for every horse. You will have to do without me to measure you up, though, one can never quite be sure there doesn't remain a hint of brown on the nose after furkling in those nether regions and that is not a flavour I intend to introduce to the dining table.

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Varley

Only faulty ones vibrate. Don't fret however as I have ordered a job lot of seconds so should be able to find a jockey for every horse. You will have to do without me to measure you up, though, one can never quite be sure there doesn't remain a hint of brown on the nose after furkling in those nether regions and that is not a flavour I intend to introduce to the dining table.

I think it's time to call in the professionals:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2gABYTmXos

[billyboy]

I'll have mine in the Scrotal Sac, Vibration in thast area could prove to vbe beneficial at my age.

[Dartskipper]

Somewhere adjacent to the cardio vascular region please. I was diagnosed with an erratic pulse many years ago, so the vibrations may help regulate it at times of extreme stress, such as a visiting young lovely perching her posterior on the big Red Button when being shown around the bridge and chartroom. The last time it happened, we were still moored alongside. The residents of the port were perplexed when they woke up to find themselves now resident in Madagascar.

[Varley]

That console will have to be modified. Kongsberg angled the unencumbered surfaces so that coffee cups could not be perched thereupon. GD's Naval Arcs did better, shot glasses and pint mugs are similarly denied a resting place. The must have forgotten to site the BR Button so that it did not encourage didloesque experimentation. A riding squad has been sent for to rectify the matter. It is to be resited on the deckhead beside the compass periscope.

[Engine Serang]

What is a coffee cup??? There's none on this ship.


Have you ever heard FJ, BB or DS looking for a Macchiato or Skinny Latte with or without a double shot of vanilla? No you have not. Tmac has been known to use it as release oil when Eric sniffed all the WD40 and I have been known to have a glass of black with a small Jameson in it to hide the taste. But coffee as a beverage, in a cup, Never. You're departing 2018 on a low note.

[Varley]

I only said GD was proofed against spilled shot glasses and pint mugs. For all I know, were we to be licensed to serve coffee the interior of the console would be awash with spilled coffee in much the same way as the duty engineer is awash with paint remover should he attempt to answer the bridge voice pipe. You will note how skillfully those are arranged below - no egress in way of essential gubbins. One does need to be careful of the one engineered to allow a fart based response to a bridge hail. All that Black Bush may have cause an airlock at the bend resulting in a blowback hazard (probably as painful as a vindaloo moderated to criticality by Guinness only the directional vector is advanced by Pi radians).

[Engine Serang]

Squeek, you long tailed bugger, cut along like a good chap and fetch my "British Thornton" slide rule. We cannot let these radians get the better of, off, us.

[Farmer John]

Not the Radians, and the Mekon.

I seem to remember, if you sang they couldn't understand what you were saying.

Are you lot all singing?

[Varley]

I don't think Dan Dare ever came up with the Radians but the Mekon's little saucer certainly had 2 Pi of them.

We'll only sing if you put something in our tin.

[ssr481]

Happy New Year you gang of ruffians !!!!!!

[billyboy]

Ruffians!!!...I'll have you know we resemble that!

Happy New Year guys and gals.

[Tom Alexander]

HAPPY NEW YEAR to the whole Motley Crew!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5caD4jXzP0

[Engine Serang]

Originally Posted by Tom Alexander

HAPPY NEW YEAR to the whole Motley Crew!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5caD4jXzP0

Tommy HNY, your link is of poor quality, it appears to be a light music combo and more suited to the Palm Court than to a hippy-hippy steamship.


Note to aall my shipmates, ideas will have to be bucked-up if contracts are to be renewed, we are looking for innovation and revolution not stagnation and ossification, be warned and afraid.


Holyfuckballs my hied is birling aroun, Tmac's Jungle Juice digestif has given me terrible nightmares and an awful dose of the trots, more Andrex steward, Jaldi-Jaldi. And send for the Topaz his little bucket of cloths is needed.

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

Tmac's Jungle Juice digestif has given me terrible nightmares and an awful dose of the trots, more Andrex steward, Jaldi-Jaldi. And send for the Topaz his little bucket of cloths is needed.

In the short term that is not pretty, but in the long term it is probably better than a dose of something else.

[Varley]

Happy New Year.

I take it there will be the usual bonus for having done both Christmas and the New Year onboard?

Cooking brandy and below-stairs port. 50/50. Pint glass. Guaranteed to arrest trotting (overdosing might, however, bring on crawling).

[Dartskipper]

Originally Posted by ssr481

Happy New Year you gang of ruffians !!!!!!

I was going to say that we aren't Russian, then I read it again.

Happy New Year to all shipmates.

Hic.