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#426
11th November 2019, 23:11
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Personally I'd stick with 'Rex,' … (as in Tyrannosaurus.)
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) 
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#427
30th November 2019, 15:46
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A loud pounding on the front door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00 am. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," replies the husband. "It is three in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that ?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him ?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there !" "Well you have a short memory," says the wife. "Can't you remember about a month ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us ? I think you should go and help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself." Feeling guilty the man gets up to do as she says and goes outside into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes, " comes a reply. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes please," comes a reply from the dark. "Where are you ?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#429
31st January 2020, 15:08
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Is Alexa dolphin friendly?
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#430
9th February 2020, 15:04
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"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?" And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
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#432
10th February 2020, 15:05
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I don't believe it.
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#435
17th February 2020, 19:52
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Google
I don't need Google!
Our Lass knows everything, and she is NEVER wrong!! (If I want to wake up in the morning).
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#436
17th February 2020, 20:54
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Does she ever say to you: "Resistance is futile."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#438
23rd February 2020, 12:15
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I decided to test my new super-strengthened heavily armoured groan-o-meter on this joke.
RIP groan-o-meter.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#439
23rd February 2020, 13:59
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Bob. You really should know better. Now everyone knows there's a new groan-o-meter...…...
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#440
23rd February 2020, 17:47
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Probably no longer. I doubt it survived the sea trial.
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#442
24th February 2020, 07:37
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Mine was made in Glasgow, from girders and I'm welding patches on it twice a week. If Bob could post his witticisms between Monday to Friday it would keep the overtime costs down. Quality counts, more Frankie Boyle and less Julian Clary would cause less FSD's and bent pointers.
PS Delete "Bent" and insert "Damaged".
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#443
24th February 2020, 11:33
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Your wish is my command:
"Bloody aliens coming down here and writing graffiti on things !!! Whey don't the get back up their own end of the spiral arm ? !!"
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#446
27th February 2020, 16:40
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An old seaman is up in court charged with several counts of rape, sexual assault, lewd behaviour and drunkenness. The usher asks how do you plead and only receives a slight croak in reply. "Speak up man" shouts the judge. "Your honour my client has a very bad case of laryngitis and has lost his voice"... "well would he like to suck on a Fisherman's Friend?" enquires the judge to which the barrister replies "Do you not think he is in enough trouble as it is?"
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Oul scabby knuckles  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Anything God didn't create was made by engineers. I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots 
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#447
27th February 2020, 16:46
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An old seaman was in a restaurant when the waitress asked what he would like. "I'd love a quickie" he said and received a hard slap across the face. "Now what do you really want" asked the waitress "I said I'd love a quickie" to which he received and even harder slap. Deciding to give him one last chance she said "for the last time what would you like?" and again he said "I told you I'd love a quickie"... disgusted she stormed off to fetch the manager to throw the seaman out. As she left a customer at the next table who had observed all that had happened leant over and said "I think it's pronounced quiche"
__________________
Oul scabby knuckles If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Anything God didn't create was made by engineers. I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots
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#449
29th February 2020, 15:36
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Shoot me. I had to think about it.
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#450
4th March 2020, 22:39
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It is groan-o-meter joke ... but it made me laugh.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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