Humour the best of medicine

[Engine Serang]

Will he flatten the sombrero?
Boris will be delighted.

[Dave McGouldrick]

Originally Posted by Makko

It isn't, Dave. I find it amusing!

Sorry - it was meant to be a bit sardonic.

[Makko]

Originally Posted by Dave McGouldrick

Sorry - it was meant to be a bit sardonic.

Sorry Dave! Humour failure on my part!!! Mexican joke:

In the Colisseum, they bring up three PoWs before Caesar, an American, an Englishman and a Mexican. They asked if they should just be thrown into the arena to fight gladiators or wild animals.

Caesar thought a bit and answered,"No, let us whip them, tied to a post to see who is the toughest. He shall go free!"

A post was set up and the American tied to it. A huge ex-oar master from a trireme came out with a whip and began to beat the American. The crowd chanted with each lash to please Caesar. "......8.........9...", Just then, the American screamed out, pleading for his mother and begging for mercy. He was cut down and dragged out of the arena.

Next up was the Englishman. Having witnessed the speactacle, he was rather nervous but, with a stiff upper lip and rule Brittania attitude, he was tied to the post.

Again the crowd counted the lashings, "...9.....10.....11". when they passed twenty, the crowd gasped, yet the Englishman continued to endure his ordealthrough tightly gritted teeth. "27....28...29..". Just then, the Englishman let out a blood curdling scream, begging for mercy! He was cut down and dragged out the arena. The crowd mumbled, admiring the resistance of the Englishman.

Then came the turn of the Mexican. The crowd gasped as he was led out. He was very short, wiry and bronzed. In the crowd, there was much head shaking and people began to claim that their bets were won.

The Mexican was tied to the post and the whipping began. People were surprised when they went past 20 strokes, then thirty, then forty! Finally at a count of fifty, the ex-oar master, sweating profusely and rubbing his arm muscles, asked permission to address Caesar:
"Sire, I am through! This man has proved his toughness. He has withstood more than a dozen Imperial Guards could have between them. I beseech you to free him!"

Caesar put on his Laurel leaf crown, stoos, adjusted his toga and, raising his right thumb spoke,"I agree, let this man free!!".

Just then, there were murmurings amongst the considerable number of Mexicans in the crowd and a Wave started, slowly and then gathering speed, circling the colisseum! Then, a chant began, quietly at first but gathering strength:

"A-la beow, a-la bow, a-la bim bom bam! The Deaf Mute, THE DEAF MUTE, RAH, RAH, RAH!!"

[BobClay]

I've always considered myself to be a student of science. As such I tend to be very wary of mumbo jumbo subjects like astrology.
But having seen this incredible prediction ... I'm starting to think there may be something in it ...

[BobClay]

I have to admit I fell for it .... you might not get it if you don't use Facebook.

A lady I know posted this .....

WTF is wrong with people? 🤬🤬🤬
So I went to Morrison’s yesterday for some needed bits'n'bobs food wise. Whilst I’m standing looking in the freezer section this absolute balloon comes up behind me and starts TAPPING on my shoulder. I obviously tried to ignore him (my blood was boiling though). The fool just keeps tapping and tapping and then...
THIS is where it gets interesting!!
So the idiot kept tapping .... See More

[Ron Stringer]

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.


I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

[BobClay]

"Not 2 metres apart !! ..... you're nicked !!"

[DAVIDJM]

ok lads space out

[John Rogers]

THE IRISH ANGLER



The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle
outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a
piece of string dangling in the water.



A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"



"Fishing" replied the old man....



Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent said, "Come in out of the rain
and have a drink with me."



In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskeys, the gentleman
cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"



"You're the eighth" said the old man.

[Engine Serang]

And don't throw your crusts on 34th Street.

[Ron Stringer]

Speaking of fishing .....

[Ron Stringer]

Speaking of fishing .....

[BobClay]

The stuff rozzers have to deal with ….

[BobClay]

Memory Man
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American sitting in the corner. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”

So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the same person only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Native American in the traditional way. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box.”

[Engine Serang]

Ian St John deserves better.

[Les Gibson]

Seen on one of those posters outside a church in Liverpool in the 60s
'What would you do if Jesus returned to earth?'
Some wag had scrawled underneath in black marker
'Move St. John onto the wing'

[Makko]

Both memorable players: Ian St. John and Emlyn Hughes.

Did anyone ever buy a fireplace off Phil Thompson? Just asking like, Lar!

[Engine Serang]

Originally Posted by Les Gibson

Seen on one of those posters outside a church in Liverpool in the 60s
'What would you do if Jesus returned to earth?'
Some wag had scrawled underneath in black marker
'Move St. John onto the wing'

In Belfast we believe Jesus can kick with both feet.

[Malcolm G]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

In Belfast we believe Jesus can kick with both feet.

Obviously - Both left footed and right footed at the same time

[Varley]

I can think of a riposte however it is Easter week.

[Engine Serang]

Your wit and repartee is exceeded only by your Easter Solemnity. You are truly a Christian.

[Varley]

More than a hint of the heathen I would have thought.

An odd word, Christian. Culture, superstition, compliment, calling, persona, 'colour'.

Our parents were quite happy to leave us in the care of a headmaster all thought queer. "Because they knew him to be a good Christian Gentleman". I emphasis that they were right to do so.

[lakercapt]

A patient in a psychiatric hospital escaped by going through the laundry facility.
As he had been isolated for some time when passing through he sexually accosted one of the ladies working there.
The newspaper headlines were
Nut screws washer and bolts.

[BobClay]

CYCLOPS: "How do you spell Hawaii ?"

WIFE (biting lip) : "Well I think you need 2 i's."

CYCLOPS (putting pen down) : "My life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda ?"

[Makko]

Originally Posted by lakercapt

A patient in a psychiatric hospital escaped by going through the laundry facility.
As he had been isolated for some time when passing through he sexually accosted one of the ladies working there.
The newspaper headlines were
Nut screws washer and bolts.

Lakercapt, nice to see "BS308" stuck with you! We had Ron Williams for O Level E.D. in Mosslands - Things that should not be "hatched" when producing a sectioned (hence reference to psychiatric care!) drawing.

Ron was a Cadet with one of the first intakes at Birkenhead Tech in 1968/9 (Anglo Saxon Oil) and was taught by my Dad. He later ended up at Mosslands (previously Wallasey Technical Grammar - unique in Britain) as an engineering and drawing teacher without a teaching certificate - My father having argued, successfully, on his behalf, based on his industry credentials (one I remember, designing Tyre moulds for Pirelli in Milan!) and Marine Eng. HND.

I worked briefly with Ron at the Laird Foundation, prior to starting on a permanent position, when I relocated to the UK during 2000 - 2006. Unfortunately, he died in retirement, having at last bought a horse which he was riding at West Kirby/Red Rocks. He fell from the horse, suffering a severe cranial trauma and cardiac arrest. RIP Ron Williams. I must say, his character never changed, always good humoured and with a sly joke on the tip of his tongue!

Rgds.
Dave