Humour the best of medicine

[Makko]

I liked that one, Bob! Snigger, snigger!
Rgds.
Dave

[Engine Serang]

Barnsley and Bolton aren't in the Cairngorms.

[Apple82]

Originally Posted by BobClay

The Queen bought Prince Philip a Fox Fur hat for the cold weather.

A couple of months later he said to the Queen: "Here Liz, I've been invited to a shoot for the weekend near Barnsley."

The Queen replied: "Wear the fox hat phil."

Phil answered: "Near Bolton I think."

That's a good'un Bob.

[John Rogers]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

"We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you."



A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

“Blind man driving.”



Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”



In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels.”



On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”



On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.”



On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”



At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout.”



On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts.”



In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”



On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push.”



At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”



Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”



In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”



At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”



In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”



In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”



At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank Heaven for little grills.”



In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak.”



Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”

[billyboy]

Maths Teacher called me out and said "If I gave you 20 quid and then you gave 5 to Mary,5 to gladys and five to Janet. what you have"?
Apparently 3 blow jobs and a chinese on the way home was not the right answer

[Les Gibson]

What do you want to do ?
New mailCopy

One of the best I have seen for a long time!
Thank you Billyboy.
Stay safe and well

[BobClay]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question ?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the bike.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his handss on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work ?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ... "Try doing it with the engine running."

[John Rogers]

Florida woman saved from gator by .22 pistol

Florida Woman Slows Alligator attack using just a small 22 caliber Ruger Pistol. Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”

[BobClay]

Nice one John ...

[Ron Stringer]

People who argue whether the glass is either half-full or half-empty miss the point. The glass is refillable.

[Engine Serang]

In Mr Trump's Florida I'm not sure whether this is a joke or a newspaper report.

[Malcolm G]

Originally Posted by Ron Stringer

People who argue whether the glass is either half-full or half-empty miss the point. The glass is refillable.

From the point of view of an engineer, or an accountant - The glass was too large.

[John Rogers]

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800s. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Billings, Montana."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."

"I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Dave McGouldrick]

[Engine Serang]

See #611
Delete "Florida" and insert "Nevada".

[John Rogers]

ES, No gators in Nevada.

[Engine Serang]

I'm sure the people in the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop on the Las Vegas Strip would supply a Gator for a few dollars. I've seen them on Discovery Channel and they handle weirder stuff than a little-bittie gator.
MAGA.

[Satanic Mechanic]

Knock knock

[Varley]

Who's there? ?

[Satanic Mechanic]

Dishes.........

[Engine Serang]

Varley is having a lie-in.
And he's in bad humour until the sun is over the yardarm.

[Varley]

Dishes who?

(My alcoholism is not dependent on celestial geometry and quarter staffs!)

[Satanic Mechanic]

Dishes the Ghosht of Sean Connery

[Varley]

Bob, Bob! Where is Bob?

[BobClay]

Knock knock !!