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#676
27th February 2021, 10:16
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Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais 
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#677
27th February 2021, 10:42
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Well I've been practicing with Microsoft's new flight simulator and I'm getting very close to landing an Airbus on my lawn. I just need to shorten the landing length a bit. (Trouble is, the neighbours are getting peed off with the fire and wreckage.
 )
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#678
27th February 2021, 11:05
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Quote:
How many jumbo jets equal an aircraft carrier? 
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If Global Warming is so prevalent why are there so many snowflakes around?
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#679
27th February 2021, 12:30
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London buses are in Imperial; Whales, Blue or Menke, are always in Metric. Would you settle on two Olympic size swimming pools?
S h i t YM beat me to the swimming pool.
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#681
27th February 2021, 21:22
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Wales were plenty big in Cardiff this evening.
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#683
28th February 2021, 11:58
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.
Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then to 120. Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I'm to old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said: "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old man paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper nodded, smiled, and walked away.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#684
1st March 2021, 00:22
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I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.” I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?” "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled.
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#685
1st March 2021, 09:59
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Even though you can see the joke coming from a mile off ... you still end up laughing.
https://youtu.be/THNPmhBl-8I
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#687
1st March 2021, 22:21
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Ship Happens
i lost 8 years of shipping files last week - i had inadvertently deleted all my shipping files - roughly 700 000 images - with one click of a button - and my better half ? (
 ) sends me this ....
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#689
5th March 2021, 10:32
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah,' said the teacher. The teacher turned to Little Johnny and asked: 'Do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Don't f**k with Auntie Sharon when she's p1ssed!'
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#691
5th March 2021, 15:45
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Bertie Wooster's Aunt Agatha would have killed 100 enemy troops with one of her looks. And after a small sweet sherry.
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#692
9th March 2021, 21:11
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Two American pilots, one flies a C130, the other an F15.
They have both been tasked with a transfer flight to another airbase and decide to fly in company. The C130 pilot gets airborne and is joined at speed by the F15 pilot on his port side. F15 hails C130: 'Hi, isn't that thing a bit boring?' C130: 'What do you mean by boring? F15: 'Just look at what this baby can do' With that he launches into aerobatics all around the C130 and then returns to station and says: 'You can't match that' C130: 'Tell you what, I'll show you what I can do, Its about 20 minutes to the next waypoint, you just hold station and watch' The C130 flies straight and level for near 19 minutes. F15: 'When are you going to do something?' C130: 'I did, I got up, went for a walk, had a cup of coffee and a doughnut, went to the john, now I'm back ready for the course alteration. Impressive eh?'
__________________
The Mad Landsman
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#694
11th March 2021, 00:18
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Vaccine
This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group. A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center. He noticed his vision was blurred on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.
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#695
11th March 2021, 09:34
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Quote:
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#697
28th March 2021, 09:34
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All our problems solved!
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#698
28th March 2021, 17:17
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Here's one for Bob Clay.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper," to which the pirate exclaims “AAAAARRRRRRRGH, it’s driving me nuts!!!"
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#699
28th March 2021, 18:24
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◄----- removes hat. "Farewell Groan-o-meter. Rest in Peace."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#700
29th March 2021, 01:40
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Problem solved - only a politician could do it .................. Doing the rounds here in Oz at the moment.
__________________
If Global Warming is so prevalent why are there so many snowflakes around?
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