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Humour the best of medicine

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  #701  
Old 29th March 2021, 03:00
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That cuts them to the bone, great photo.
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  #702  
Old 4th April 2021, 17:36
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“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I paid a visit to the Gallery and low and behold there was a ship.
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  #703  
Old 4th April 2021, 19:49
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Nothing and nobody is safe from them ....
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  #704  
Old 5th April 2021, 01:19
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Being happily childless I am unlikely to have that problem. A friend who feeds me often did have to curtail her one Christmas 'off' (in many where she has been 'on') after stepping on a grandchild or its toy. Fortunately she was sufficiently recovered to enjoy New Year at a local Indian (Bangladeshi of course) pity about the cold plates.
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David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan

Last edited by Varley; 14th April 2021 at 12:53.
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  #705  
Old 14th April 2021, 10:03
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint..
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #706  
Old 19th April 2021, 00:51
devans47 United States devans47 is offline
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That's appropriate for today in America.
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  #707  
Old 21st April 2021, 22:33
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Seems about right...
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The Mad Landsman
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  #708  
Old 22nd April 2021, 09:15
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Even by my standards this joke is really bad. Perhaps we should all get our coats ....

(I still laughed though ...)
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #709  
Old 22nd April 2021, 15:32
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Ha ha ha!! Thanks, Bob. Today's chuckle!
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  #710  
Old 25th April 2021, 19:18
Irvingman United Kingdom Irvingman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClay View Post
Even by my standards this joke is really bad. Perhaps we should all get our coats ....

(I still laughed though ...)
You're correct.... really bad. But it made me laugh!!
Thanks, John
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  #711  
Old 26th April 2021, 01:33
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Bad; but clean and clever.
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If Global Warming is so prevalent why are there so many snowflakes around?
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  #712  
Old 27th April 2021, 22:52
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Technically the first person to download data from the cloud to a tablet, was Moses......
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  #713  
Old 28th April 2021, 00:05
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Malcolm, that too is bad!

Always in my mind is Moses, in a Liverpudlian accent, sweating and swearing, down, and up, the mountain,"Flock! If God is so omnipotent, why hasn't he invented paper!".

Rgds.
Dave
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  #714  
Old 28th April 2021, 00:34
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That would have been omnipotence indeed. Stationery and wallcoverings (well, a God of parts anyway).
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David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #715  
Old 28th April 2021, 06:46
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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If there was a God and he was omnipotent he would not have countenanced Liverpool accents, offshore islets and the written word would have sublimated from stone tablet to plastic tablet.
And he has Saved the Queen.
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  #716  
Old 28th April 2021, 09:47
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It's clear to me God was never a technocrat. You only have to look at some of the weird designs in nature to see that.
Of course an unlimited budget helps. You can dump projects mid-flight, make modification botch jobs as you go, or just roll everything off with some kind of disaster and start again.

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  #717  
Old 29th April 2021, 00:03
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Of course, if you are (a) God, nobody can dare to say you've done it wrong !
Mike.
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  #718  
Old 29th April 2021, 06:51
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Of course you can dare to say God has done it wrong, many have, but be aware it will have consequences as KJV tells us, “And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.”
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  #719  
Old 29th April 2021, 08:24
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Sounds like a cheerful friendly chap.
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  #720  
Old 29th April 2021, 08:59
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So, not only is he a bad engineer, he's a psycho as well !!! (Of course we're all assuming God is a 'he' here. I've yet to see any evidence against 'he' being a 'she.')

In which case we could all be in deep cack.
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #721  
Old 29th April 2021, 11:16
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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The Telephone Company Lady said 'We are omnipotent. That's potent with an omni'
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  #722  
Old 29th April 2021, 13:44
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I've seen that religion. They all sit around cross legged chanting: 'Omni .... Omni .... Omni'
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #723  
Old 29th April 2021, 17:35
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These are for Bob Clay.
Puns for Pun Lovers

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
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  #724  
Old 29th April 2021, 19:43
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Bloody hell .... all my groan-o-meters have collapsed into black holes.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #725  
Old 29th April 2021, 19:58
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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"Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars."
Uncle John,
More a "spoonerism", methinks!
A good laugh, all! Thx!
Dave
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