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#701
29th March 2021, 03:00
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That cuts them to the bone, great photo.
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#702
4th April 2021, 17:36
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“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I paid a visit to the Gallery and low and behold there was a ship.
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#703
4th April 2021, 19:49
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Nothing and nobody is safe from them ....
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#704
5th April 2021, 01:19
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Being happily childless I am unlikely to have that problem. A friend who feeds me often did have to curtail her one Christmas 'off' (in many where she has been 'on') after stepping on a grandchild or its toy. Fortunately she was sufficiently recovered to enjoy New Year at a local Indian (Bangladeshi of course) pity about the cold plates.
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan Last edited by Varley; 14th April 2021 at 12:53.
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#705
14th April 2021, 10:03
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#708
22nd April 2021, 09:15
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Even by my standards this joke is really bad. Perhaps we should all get our coats ....
 (I still laughed though ...)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#710
25th April 2021, 19:18
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Quote:
Thanks, John
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#713
28th April 2021, 00:05
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Malcolm, that too is bad!
Always in my mind is Moses, in a Liverpudlian accent, sweating and swearing, down, and up, the mountain,"Flock! If God is so omnipotent, why hasn't he invented paper!". Rgds. Dave
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#714
28th April 2021, 00:34
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That would have been omnipotence indeed. Stationery and wallcoverings (well, a God of parts anyway).
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#715
28th April 2021, 06:46
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If there was a God and he was omnipotent he would not have countenanced Liverpool accents, offshore islets and the written word would have sublimated from stone tablet to plastic tablet.
And he has Saved the Queen.
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#716
28th April 2021, 09:47
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It's clear to me God was never a technocrat. You only have to look at some of the weird designs in nature to see that.
Of course an unlimited budget helps. You can dump projects mid-flight, make modification botch jobs as you go, or just roll everything off with some kind of disaster and start again. 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#718
29th April 2021, 06:51
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Of course you can dare to say God has done it wrong, many have, but be aware it will have consequences as KJV tells us, “And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.”
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#720
29th April 2021, 08:59
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So, not only is he a bad engineer, he's a psycho as well !!! (Of course we're all assuming God is a 'he' here. I've yet to see any evidence against 'he' being a 'she.')
In which case we could all be in deep cack. 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#721
29th April 2021, 11:16
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The Telephone Company Lady said 'We are omnipotent. That's potent with an omni'
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#722
29th April 2021, 13:44
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I've seen that religion. They all sit around cross legged chanting: 'Omni .... Omni .... Omni'
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#723
29th April 2021, 17:35
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These are for Bob Clay.
Puns for Pun Lovers Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.” Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.” What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
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#724
29th April 2021, 19:43
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Bloody hell .... all my groan-o-meters have collapsed into black holes.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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