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#726
16th May 2021, 14:34
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Local joke. I'm still laughing hours later ....
Breaking News: The whole of Cornwall has been placed into lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance with their families. Apparently the Arrrrrrrrr rate has increased dramatically. Even Tom Baker would be out ... Arrrrrrred !! https://youtu.be/_EfW9znJYjw
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) 
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#728
20th May 2021, 11:51
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The Lady, (by any chance is she related), said "You would have had enough money to buy a plane". She did not say "You must" or "You will" buy a plane.
As with Sarcasm you are bastardising the beautiful language of Chaucer, Shakespeare and William Topaz McGonagall. This blackguarding must stop.
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#730
20th May 2021, 16:46
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Fair enough.
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#731
20th May 2021, 20:29
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Did you know that there is a species of lion that hunts nothing but unicorns and it lives on the equator with all sorts of mythical beasts and birds..?
It's called... The menagerie lion.
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The Mad Landsman Last edited by Malcolm G; 20th May 2021 at 21:37.
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#732
21st May 2021, 00:05
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▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲▲
............and I'M getting stick for blackguarding .... 
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#733
27th May 2021, 13:53
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As you all know I only like to post top line and classy jokes on here, and when I saw this one, I felt it was of sufficient quality to post.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a couple of torn togas. "Euripides," says the tailor. "Yeah, Eumenides ?" replies the man. (Doesn't bother with coat. Retreats to Neutronium reinforced Nuclear Bunker instead.)  
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#734
27th May 2021, 17:47
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No I didn't know about the quality criteria, but I felt there was a classics scholar lurking in the wings.
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#735
28th May 2021, 00:18
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I was walking through the Olympic Village when I came across a man carrying a very long pole:
"I guess you're a pole vaulter!", I said to him. He looked at me and then said: "No, I am German! How do you know my name?" I'll see you at the door Bob, I already have my coat on! Rgds. Dave.
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#736
28th May 2021, 06:59
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Jesus the man is 92 and American; tell him, as gently as you can, that he's not qualified to compete for Germany. Frau Merkel is planning to have him around for 2036.
Take your coat off and hang it up under the stairs, youse pair are going nowhere. Do you not think the public have suffered enough recently?
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#737
28th May 2021, 09:28
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I shall treat that as a challenge. Prepare for Awfullness raised to the power of infinity.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#738
29th May 2021, 14:36
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THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day � Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place
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#742
3rd June 2021, 12:53
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... and in other parts of the world, a Lamborghini doesn't cost a million dollars.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#744
3rd June 2021, 14:54
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Sense of humour ALERT !!! (HAHOOGAH HAHOOGAH !! ... (alarm I once fixed in the engine control room and was advised by the Second Engineer to unfix it. It had been deliberately unfixed by previous engineers who were mightily unimpressed by its over abundance in decibels.))
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#745
3rd June 2021, 16:25
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That reminds me of going aboard a berthed ship one evening - Alarm bell ringing in the entry square. Watchman sat in a passenger lounge.
I said: "Shouldn't you be doing something about that?" He said "S'pose so", got up walked into square, picked a brochure, folded it in half and stuffed it under the clapper. There followed a meaningful discussion which was not humorous and therefore unsuitable for this thread. 
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The Mad Landsman
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#746
3rd June 2021, 17:21
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Talking of alarms..........
Coming off watch at 0400, we used to boil eggs in the duty mess geyser. Only the Leckie used it frequently to make tea or coffee during his "exhausting" daily duties (mostly spent in Duty Mess with boots off). One day, we forgot about the eggs. Three days later, the eggs appeared on a plate in the bar with a note enquiring (edited for people of a sensitive disposition) "WHO had been boiling eggs in the geyser?!!!". After bollocking, between giggles and titters, from the Chief, we duly apologized to Lecky, promising humbly not to do it again. Next day, Makko got out the control and alarm ladder diagrams. Makko altered the control/alarm drawings correctly. Makko installed a new alarm in a vacant space on the control panel, stencilling carefully,"LL Egg Boiler". Come next standby, Most engineers in the MCR (Standby, coming into West Coast port following Trans Pacific transit) along with Leckie. Alarm goes off, Chief checks it and mumbles,"Leckie, what is this alarm? I haven't seen it before", telling me to get the drawings. Cue near nervous breakdown by the Leckie who stormed out of the ER. Second bollocking by Chief who admired my ingenuity to install a "real" alarm, telling me to leave as was! Good old Bill Turner, my favourite Chief! So If you are on Cape Henry, ex-Barber Priam, look on the left side of the control panel, at the bottom. Maybe the "alarm" is still there! Rgds. Dave
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#748
3rd June 2021, 23:47
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I would have thought any plumber would know by now we are carried to think, not to 'do' (there's two of their number who are too clever by half, the dangerous kind who carry terminal screwdrivers).
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#749
4th June 2021, 00:34
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Quote:
Rgds. Dave
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#750
4th June 2021, 00:36
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Quote:
Rgds. Dave
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Made me laugh.
