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#801
5th July 2021, 03:18
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Saw this on Facebook and just had to nick it.
 An elderly man living alone in Milton Keynes wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Paul, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a hard garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Paul. At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) 
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#803
25th July 2021, 16:04
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I've decided to go back to jokes more in keeping with my earlier quality presentations ..
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#804
25th July 2021, 18:59
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To celebrate Wimbledon fortnight, I decided to buy a punnet of strawberries, but not knowing the best way to eat them, I searched the Internet. serve cold, sprinkle with sugar, and pile cream on top, it said.....however, a word to the wise, pile cream tastes foul.
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#805
25th July 2021, 21:34
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And likewise, if you`re making crab paste sandwiches, its far better getting your crab paste from a fishmonger and not a chemist.
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#809
28th July 2021, 20:18
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That's good ....
 But there's a gazillion raised to the power of a gazillion digits missing .... .. and then some. 
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#811
2nd August 2021, 19:00
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I was driving alone in a rural area and picked up a hitch-hiker.
After a few minutes and basic chat he said: How do you know that I'm not a serial killer? I said: I don't think you are because it would be statistically unlikely to have two in the same car. Fortunately the seats are leather and didn't stain.
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The Mad Landsman
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#812
18th August 2021, 11:49
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It's daft, but I couldn't help but laugh ....
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#814
18th August 2021, 12:23
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No doubt we have dafter laughter yet to come.
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#815
19th August 2021, 14:58
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I've decided to upgrade the quality of posted jokes: Ahem !!
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hill's deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: ♫ "Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" ♪
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#816
19th August 2021, 16:55
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A noble aim, Bob. When are you going start?
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#820
20th August 2021, 10:43
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No. Happy Bob. Sorry audience!
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#821
20th August 2021, 13:22
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Spotted some Harry Potter broomsticks in Poundland yesterday, a bargain for a quidditch.
(Well you lot asked for it ....  )
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#822
20th August 2021, 17:23
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Sorry audience sorrier still.
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#823
4th September 2021, 02:54
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I'm new here. Just signed up. I found this site via "Ships Nostalgia" due to an interest in large Diesel engines.
I just might, although not a mariner, have something to contribute. Some few years ago I was in England to view the insanity of old and ancient cars at Goodwood. I saw "The Beast of Turin" throw flames up the hill. I'd rented a car, and as I was driving out of Bristol the car just stopped, as if I'd cut the ignition. I coasted off to the side of the road & opened the hood. There's a fence with two horses looking at me, a buckskin and a grey. nice looking critters. I'm looking at the engine, and the grey says "look at the wire from the coil" Well damned if it hadn't come disconnected. I reconnected it and was happily on my way. I came to a small town & thought i'd stop & have a pint. I told the barman about my stoppage; he questioned me closely anent just which horse I spoke with. I told him it was the grey. "Good" the barman says - "that buckskin knows fanny allen about motors"
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#824
4th September 2021, 06:50
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Welcome, it looks as if you are from the United States, it's a big place so I don't know how to greet you. Hi good Buddy, Hi Dude, Good Morning Patriot (if you're from Boston), anyways an interest in large Diesel engines is an unhealthy pastime and may lead to all sorts of complications. I recommend stamp collecting or a little light watercolour painting.
Go back to Bristol and ask your two friends, the Buckskin will tell you to keep clear of Doxford Engines, Fanny Allen ain't so smart after all. Cheers, Engine Serang and Tail Wallah on Burmeister & Wain.
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#825
4th September 2021, 07:05
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Quote:
Adirondacks. I'm a bit of everything. I'm certainly no 'patriot'. 
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