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#976
27th January 2022, 18:11
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So this bloke just stopped me in the street and asked me why I was carrying a 9ft book?
I said: "Oh don’t ask, It's a long story".
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last. 
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#977
27th January 2022, 19:32
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A man was out in his back garden and saw the neighbour’s young daughter digging.
He looked over and saw that she was just filling in a large hole. Man: What are you up to young lady? Girl: My budgie died and I am burying him. Man: Oh dear sorry to hear that, but that is a big hole for a small bird. Girl: Yes, I know but it’s in your ***** cat.
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The Mad Landsman
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#978
28th January 2022, 11:20
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Took me a minute to see the joke, but I got there in the end.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#979
28th January 2022, 16:55
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My smarty pants mate was late for work yesterday and got stopped by a traffic cop.
He said “You were going a bit fast sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mister Fog” My mate smugly said “I would have trod on Mister Brake of course” The cop said “I will repeat the question slowly sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mist or Fog”
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#981
30th January 2022, 10:35
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I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know....
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#982
7th February 2022, 18:32
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Rye Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?" She said, “Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
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#983
7th February 2022, 18:48
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Great Outdoors
Everybody needs a hobby
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#984
15th February 2022, 14:12
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For the past twenty years I received a Valentines Card from the same secret admirer. I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year. First my Granny died and now this!!
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#985
20th February 2022, 14:40
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I think this is what the Americans call a curve ball:
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#986
20th February 2022, 17:35
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What a story to tell the guys in the golf club.
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#987
21st February 2022, 19:38
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One Liners
Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
If you can't think of a word, say, I forgot the English word for it. That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot. I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out. I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event. I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I missed my exit. My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now? I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel. Senility has been a smooth transition for me. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this. I love being in my 70's, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day. Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed. Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house. It's weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid I wanted to be older . . this is not what I expected. Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter. It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult. Marriage Counsellor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers. Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember. . . . Don't sing! I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance. So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it an udder failure? You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
__________________
Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#988
21st February 2022, 19:54
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Trouble is with some of those Ron is they're not so much a joke as a definite fact ....
 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#989
21st February 2022, 23:21
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I have to agree, Bob!
I went in the senior citizens queue in the supermarket, no one in it! Almost as good as having my knee operated, being on crutches and able to use the disabled parking spaces! Yes, it has crept up on me - but I am going down, fighting! Rgds. Dave
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#990
22nd February 2022, 13:55
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Oh, joy! So I should look forward to a supermarket queue should I survive the replacement?
Better make it Fortnum's then (should I be able to afford that afterwards - I procrastinated putting myself on the list, as offered, before Covid and now the queue is so long that the NHS would have the ease of doing mine as a skeleton were I not to bite the private bullet).
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#992
22nd February 2022, 22:56
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An Isle of Man oligarch.
If no one pays taxes and half the population marry their cousin who is going to fund an NHS? (Denial indicates a guilty conscience).
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#993
23rd February 2022, 02:10
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The NHS is only free to those who are net non tax payers, to all others it is prepaid and heftily so.
I agree that the sector that contributes less to HM's local treasury will likely include, amongst others, those that canoodle consanguineously. I think most, however, are less Hibernian in their folk customs. (My BUPA is, I admit, free of insurance premium tax. An iniquity of HM's more distant treasury of which we remain free).
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan Last edited by Varley; 23rd February 2022 at 12:37.
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#994
23rd February 2022, 10:35
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MI6 board meeting. (Although it could be W.O.O.C. (P) but I can't see Harry Palmer anywhere ...
)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#995
23rd February 2022, 12:38
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Didn't David Niven have a go too?
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#996
23rd February 2022, 12:58
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Hi guys, a quick (perhaps not) question; How do I attach a thumbnail to a post and how do I save a thumbnail to my Whats App?
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#997
23rd February 2022, 21:59
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Quote:
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#998
23rd February 2022, 22:01
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Quote:
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#999
23rd February 2022, 22:19
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Quote:
Click on ‘go advanced’ under the text box. In the task bar, top row next to smiley, is an icon to manage attachments, click this. A new box will open, click on ‘choose file’ It will enable you to search your computer, select file you want and OK. Click on upload and Robert is your Father’s brother. Re ‘Whats App’ - sorry can’t help at the moment but my sister is trying hard to get me to use it, so maybe later…..
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The Mad Landsman
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#1000
24th February 2022, 00:53
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David Niven was James Bond in 'Casino Royale.' As I remember it that was the first Bond book. Saltzman and Broccoli didn't have the rights to that book so it was made as a very 'sixties' send up.
Curiously when they rebooted the Bond films with Daniel Craig they started with 'Casino Royale' and within reason followed the book fairly faithfully and made a good job of it. The send up version (1967) had a remarkable cast but for me it wasn't very funny. If only they'd hung on for a few years and let the Monty Python team have a go at it.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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