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#1126
17th April 2022, 10:18
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When I watched a film and someone started swimming underwater, I used to hold my breath to see if what they were trying to do was actually possible.
Don’t do it now though. Had to stop after I nearly died when I watched Finding Nemo. 
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) 
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#1127
18th April 2022, 14:57
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#1128
18th April 2022, 17:05
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Don't call your dog 'Shark' either. It can cause all sorts of mayhem when you take it for a walk on the beach.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1129
18th April 2022, 17:19
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True story, no joke;
I knew a chap who adopted a stray, he tried to name it but it would not take to his new name or respond in any way. One day while working on his caravan he let out a loud expletive and the dog came running. With a slight bowdlerisation the dog was therefore name ‘Bucket’, which was OK for the dog but bemused the neighbours.
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The Mad Landsman
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#1130
19th April 2022, 03:44
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Named after Mrs Bucket from the TV show.
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#1131
19th April 2022, 07:01
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Did you buy the Bouquet in Phuket?
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#1132
19th April 2022, 09:38
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There was this fellah who worked for the Post Office. His job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought: "I’d better open this one and see what it's all about".
So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension day. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others in the depot. Each of them dug into their wallets and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent back to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done. Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to make a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office”.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1133
20th April 2022, 10:06
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A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1136
21st April 2022, 10:04
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Oliver the rugby playing Octopus has died.
As a tribute, Sky Sports will be showing his favourite ten tackles .... 
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1140
22nd April 2022, 09:39
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"Something wicked this way comes .... "
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1141
22nd April 2022, 12:52
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Just been sacked from my volunteer job as a hospital porter for alleged bullying.
They’ve accused me of pushing people around…….
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1142
25th April 2022, 12:07
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My mate takes the car to commute to work every day, leaving the family without transport.. His wife said that as it’s her special birthday, it would be a really fantastic surprise if he got her something to run around in.
He said “She looks great in her new Nike tracksuit!”
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last. Last edited by Ron Stringer; 25th April 2022 at 12:09.
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#1143
26th April 2022, 09:38
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My grandad worked at Slazenger as a tennis ball tester.
For many years he could hit a ball further than anyone else, so they gave him a long service medal.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1144
29th April 2022, 09:27
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My mate was explaining about his animal free lifestyle preferences but wasn’t being very specific about his reasoning.
Mind you, as long as I’ve known him he’s always been a vague’un. It’s Friday so……. Going to see a specialist today. He says he’s 100% sure he can cure my hiccups, but I’m not holding my breath !!
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1145
29th April 2022, 18:46
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When we were back in the UK for a while and my daughters were little, when we were in Sainsburys, I would always ask them what did they want: A punch, a crush or a squash! Big daughter always said,"None of them!".
Rgds. Dave
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#1146
30th April 2022, 09:58
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__________________
"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier.
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#1147
30th April 2022, 12:07
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Batman hit me over the head with a Ming vase and said "T'pau."
I said: "Dont you mean 'kapow' ?" "No," he replied. "I've got China in my hand."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1148
30th April 2022, 12:40
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Superman and Lois Lane are out on a romantic flight above the clouds,
Lois: "Superman, where are we?" Superman sticks his hand through a cloud: "Paris." Lois: "How do you know?" Superman: "I felt the top of the Eiffel Tower." A while later: Lois: "Where are we now?" Superman sticks his hand through a cloud: "Egypt" Lois: "How do you know?" Superman: "I felt the top of the Pyramid's." A while later: Lois: "Where are we now?" Superman sticks his hand through a cloud: "Liverpool." Lois: "How do you know?" Superman: "Because my bloody watch has gone."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1149
30th April 2022, 23:29
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Quote:
Then again, when a Cadet, a fellow E/C had the most crap, beat up, Escort. He had though exchanged the engine for a rally prepped one. So he had max power/performance versus dodgy chassis, bodywork, brakes and controls. Anyway, he went to a "nightclub" in L'pool one night and, when he came out, couldn't see his car. It turned out that the stripped wreck, up on bricks, was his! They stole the engine, seats, windscreen/rear screen, steering wheel and wheels! Rgds. Dave
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#1150
1st May 2022, 09:46
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Liverpool was my 'pool' when I was a lowly engine room rating. I've just had a few days up there for the Radio Officers Association AGM, I really can't handle that amount of eating and drinking anymore.
Although my experience of Manchester was much worse, in 1990 my 11 month old Suzuki GSXR 1100K was stolen there, and never seen again. To compensate for any offence I might have given the scousers (as if .....  ) here's a joke more in the style of Ron's above:I had a text the other day and all it said was ANGB......I thought it was bang out of order!
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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