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#1201
8th June 2022, 10:52
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__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.) 
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#1202
9th June 2022, 12:46
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A sad day today when the well-known song writer died. His best know song is "Hokey Pokey"
The funeral home had problems securing his casket as they put his left leg in and it put his left leg out. Same with his hands.
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#1203
11th June 2022, 13:59
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A sardonic Senior might say. . .
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake. I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there. It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects. I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation. Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again." My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.” As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas. God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed. I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling. Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response. She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now. So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me? Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest
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#1204
12th June 2022, 07:52
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A lizard walks into the Doctors,
He says to the Doctor, "I'm having trouble getting a stiffy" The Doctor said "Don't worry i see this all the time you have a reptile dysfunction".
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#1205
12th June 2022, 20:56
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"Doctor Doctor, I think I've become invisible !"
"Who said that ?"
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1207
13th June 2022, 18:53
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Graham Martin is in hospital.
So who the hell is Graham Martin you might ask ? Well, Graham is the fellah who got home late one night and Helen, his wife, says: "Where the hell have you been ?" Graham replies: "I was getting a tattoo." "A tattoo ?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get ?" "I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed onto my privates," he replied proudly. "What the hell were you thinking ?" she asked, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on Earth would a chartered accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed onto his privates ?" Graham replied: "Well ... One: I like to watch my money grow. Two: Once in a while I like to play with my money. Three: I like how money feels in my hand. ... and lastly .. instead of going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want !!" Graham is now in the Critical Care Unit, room 223. No visitors are allowed until further notice as they've had to put two armed guards on the life support machine.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1208
13th June 2022, 20:28
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The entrance exam for medical school
when students took the entrance exam for medical school, they were perplexed by this question: "rearrange the letters p-n-e-s-i to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect." those who spelled spine became doctors. The rest are in congress.
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#1209
15th June 2022, 11:24
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Can't possibly refer to a seafarer.
__________________
Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1210
15th June 2022, 13:09
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I'm going to nick that one Ron
 and put it on the ROA's WhatsApp group (they've been discussing booze for a day now.) 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1211
17th June 2022, 09:07
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Don't think you'll want to nick this one Bob.
One holiday in Greece, my mate came across an Octopus on the shoreline next to some clean cups, saucers & dishes. He said “It must have washed up on the beach.
__________________
Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1213
19th June 2022, 15:08
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Signs we have seen
Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW." ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ - In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------------- In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS... ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------- In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------- In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS... ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------ Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so.) ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------- Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------- Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.) Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya' think? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works better than a fair trial! ----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya' think?! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? ****************************** ****************************** ******************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** **** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ***** And the winner is... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? ****************************** ****************************** ******************************
__________________
Best Wishes, Alick
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#1214
19th June 2022, 20:22
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Quote:
The thing was, Petacalco is about 4 metres above sea level. When there is a storm, the coastal land becomes fluidized from the waves. Sure enough, next day, entering the power plant, the small cemetery had several ejected coffins, fallen headstones etc. ! Very eerie indeed! Rgds. Dave
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#1217
27th June 2022, 22:45
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During Euro 2012 football a group of Irish supporters flew a banner saying, "Angela Merkel thinks we're at work." It is not known what Frau Merkel thought but their bosses thought they were all out sick.
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#1219
29th June 2022, 14:53
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Quote:
It's all happening down there.
__________________
Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1220
29th June 2022, 23:16
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Quote:
__________________
"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier.
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#1221
30th June 2022, 07:30
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What excitement, there won't be a dry seat in the town.
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#1222
30th June 2022, 22:22
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I had a look at Devon Live - A good laugh! The yacht has been raised, a car sticking out of a bungalow window, drink diving crash, another crash closes promenade, construction worker suffers medical crisis! A hotbed of news!
Rgds. Dave
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#1223
1st July 2022, 06:06
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And the Fire Brigade were called to rescue Mrs Fortescue's cat from the neighbours ash tree. Frew, Frew and Barney McGrew turned out.
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#1224
1st July 2022, 09:15
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Sometimes a run ashore can get a bit out of hand ......
 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1225
1st July 2022, 12:21
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My mate was so poor when he was growing up that he couldn't afford shoes. If he wanted to pop down to the shop he'd put bubble wrap on his feet!
__________________
Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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