Humour the best of medicine

[Laurie Ridyard]

Hi - de - hi !

My wife and I were walking along West Shore, here in Llandudno; by the boat pond we came across our two friends, Carol and Pat, walking their dogs.

As we were chatting, a carrion crow landed nearby.

" Is that a jackdaw ? " Queries Carol.

" Naw ! " Says I. " It's a carrion crow. "

" Well ! I didn't know that ! " Says Carol.

" Well ! I am surprised ! " Says I . " Surely, you have seen all those films and documentaries about them on the telly ! "

" No ! " Says Pat.

" Well ! " Says I. " There's " Carrion Nurse ! " , " Carrion Constable ! " , Carrion Sergeant ! " , Carrion Jack !"......"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtxbM7-jAD0


ATB


Laurie.

[BobClay]

When I were't lad if you had a ten bob note to go to the shops you could come back with 10 cigarettes, two frozen chickens, a mars bar, a pint of milk, a new pair of boots and a comic. Can't do that nowadays, bloody CCTV is everywhere.

[Dartskipper]

There aren't enough aerosol cans to cover all the cameras these days.

[billyboy]

Desires of older men

A76-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few

seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the

girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks

him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can

imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100,

and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly.....Paint my house!

[RobPage]

Count the money ?

[John Rogers]

Wash my car

[cueball44]

My private dancer

[Dartskipper]

Don't blow it.

[Farmer John]

Please be careful.

[billyboy]

Nooo. When I posted that the old man said Paint my House. (must get a better keyboard)

[Farmer John]

Originally Posted by billyboy

Nooo. When I posted that the old man said Paint my House. (must get a better keyboard)

I must say I like it very much without. Many of us are approaching that age, and it does make you consider.

[billyboy]

For his birthday a little boy asked his dad for a BMX bicycle. His dad said 'Son, we'd let you have one, but the mortgage on this house is £170,000 and your mum just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next morning the father saw the boy heading out the door with a suitcase.
'Hey where are you going?' he asked.
The boy answered 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. So I'll be damned if I'm staying here all by myself with a £170,000 mortgage and no frigging bike!' 🚲

[Laurie Ridyard]

Haw ! Haw ! Haw !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvB3Uvdggxs

[BobClay]

I think it's safe to say this story wont be complete unless they walk into a bar ….

[BobClay]

Purely in the interest of lightweight off (or on ?) topic humour I thought I'd put up a pix and look for a funny caption …. Any offers …

[Tmac1720]

Did I hear you say you wanted me to put my tongue in your pussy?

[Farmer John]

Damn, Tmac, I was going to say that.

[billyboy]

NO! this headache is going to last as long as I want it to! so there!

[billyboy]

Sisters!.....

[John Rogers]

To All Aviators.


Phuh Khen (pronounced Foo Keen) 1169-???? is considered by some to be the most under recognized military officer in history. Many have never heard of his contributions to modern military warfare. The mission of this secret society is to bring honor to the name of Phuh Khen. A `Khen' was a subordinate to a `Khan' (pronounced Konn) in the military structure of the Mongol Hoards. Khan is Turkish for Leader.
Most know of the great Genghis Khan, but little has been written of his chain of command. Khen is also of Turkish origin. Although there is not a word in English that adequately conveys the meaning. Roughly translated, it means, `One who will do the impossible, while appearing unprepared, and complaining constantly.' Phuh Khen was one of ten Khens that headed the divisions, or group of hoards, as they were known, of the Mongol Army serving under Genghis Khan.
His abilities came to light during the Mongol's raids on the Turkestan city of Turkestanis. Bohicans were fierce warriors and the city was well fortified. The entire city was protected by huge walls and the hoards were at a standoff with the Bohicans. Bohicaroo was well stocked and it would be difficult to wait them out. Genghis Khan assembled his Khens and ordered each of them to develop a plan for penetrating the defenses of Bohicaroo.
Operation Achieve Victory (AV) was born. All 10 divisions of Khens submitted their plan. After reviewing AV plans 1 thru 7 and finding them all unworkable or ridiculous, Genghis Khan was understandably upset. It was with much perspiration that Phuh Khen submitted his idea, which came to be known as AV 8. Upon seeing AV 8, Genghis was convinced this was the perfect plan and gave his immediate approval. The plan was beautifully simple. Phuh Khen would arm his hoards to the teeth, load them into cat apults, and hurl them over the wall. The losses were expected to be high, but hey, hoards were cheap.
Those that survived the flight would engage the enemy in combat. Those that did not? Well, surely their flailing bodies would cause some damage. The plan worked and the Bohicans were defeated. From that day on, whenever the Mongol Army encountered an surmountable enemy, Genghis Khan would give the order, "Send some of Phuh Khen's AV 8ers". This is believed, though not by anyone outside our secret society, to be the true origin of the term Aviator (AV 8er).
Phu Khen's AV 8ers were understandably an unruly mob, not likely to be socially acceptable. Many were heavy drinkers and insomniacs. But when nothing else would do, you could always count on an AV 8er . Phu Khen Aviator. Denied, perhaps rightfully so, his place in history, Phu Khen has been, none the less, immortalized in prose. As the great poet Norman Lear never once said : "There once was a man named Phuh Khen, whose breakfast was whiskey and gin, when e'er he'd fly, he'd give a mighty war cry, bend over, here it comes again."
Consider it an honor to be a Phu Khen Aviator. Wear the mantle proudly, but speak of it cautiously. It is not always popular to be one of us. You hear mystical references, often hushed whispers, to `those Phuh Khen Aviators'. Do not let these things bother you. As with any secret society, we go largely misunderstood, prohibited by our apathy, from explaining ourselves. You are expected to always live down to the reputation of the Phuh Khen Aviator. A reputation cultivated for centuries, undaunted by scorn or ridicule, unhindered by progress. So drink up, be crude, sleep late, urinate in public, and get the job done. When others are offended, you can revel in the knowledge that you are truly a PHUH KHEN AVIATOR.
end

[BobClay]

Can't wait to join the new 'Space Force.' (Or can I ??? )

[gray_marian]

Some History to Ponder.

To those of my friends who occasionally meditate

on the necessity for working

In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days.

Now, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.



The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, Shot himself

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.



However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.



What became of him?



He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.



The Moral:

Buggar work -- Play golf.

[Dave McGouldrick]

Has a certain sadness I must admit.

[sibby]

I am weeping in my rum flavoured coffee. I had bacon roll this morning and i am now feeling guilty.

[BobClay]

I always get a laugh out of ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.