Humour the best of medicine

[al1934]

Originally Posted by Ron Stringer

My mate was so poor when he was growing up that he couldn't afford shoes. If he wanted to pop down to the shop he'd put bubble wrap on his feet!

We were very poor, lived in a very poor neighbourhood and we had to take the doorstep indoors at night to prevent it from being stolen...

[John Rogers]

Long time ago since I was a kid and poor, hell bubble wrap was not invented yet.

[Makko]

Hey, Alick!

True story - In our neck of the woods, they used to steal the iron gates from houses! No problem with the doorstep though, we didn't have one!

Rgds.
Dave

[Malcolm G]

Door steps? We used to dream about having a door step, we considered ourselves lucky to have a door……..

Next!

[Makko]

Malcolm,
My grandmother, living in 6 Rankin Street, Wallasey, during the war got sick of the workmen coming around after a "raid" to repair damage.
One of her favourite stories was the front door, blown off its hinges many times. In the end, she chased the workmen away who were trying to rehang it and replaced it with a thick black out curtain which lasted to the end of the war.
Front door - No front door at the Hooper's!
Rgds.
Dave

[Ron Stringer]

My mate’s been sacked from his job as a security guard at the Henry VIII museum.
Apparently, without checking, he just let people amble in.

[Ron Stringer]

Why can't baby monitors just be called listening devices for crying out loud?!!!!!

[BobClay]

Dear oh dear Ron.

(I've sent all my groan-o-meters and spare parts to the great big Groan in the Sky.)

[Jolly Jack]

Thank heavens for that! The last thing this thread needs is joke monitoring - a joke is a joke!

JJ.

[Ron Stringer]

My pal went for a job as a lumberjack.

They asked for some proof of experience.

"I'm sorry I haven’t", he said, "Perhaps on reflection, I should have kept a log".

[BobClay]

There may come a day when JJ develops a sense of humour ... but I wont hold my breath.

[Varley]

On the contrary. Humour has always attracted a good heckler or two. Perhaps we will attract one, eventually.

[Ron Stringer]

An honest recorded message.

[Malcolm G]

Everyday facts - according to Hollywood.

1 During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2 All telephone numbers in America begin with the digit 555.
3 Most dogs are immortal.
4 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
5 All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6 All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7 It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
8 Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
9 The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
10 If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
11 You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
12 Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
13 If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
14 The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
15 A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
16 If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
17 When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18 Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19 Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
20 If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21 Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22 Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
23 Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
24 The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
25 A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
26 Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
27 Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
28 Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
29 It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
30 Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
31 All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32 It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
33 A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
34 If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
35 Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh)

[Engine Serang]

Malcolm you're a killjoy and in danger of being lumped with V and JJ.
And most dogs are immoral, the dirty beasts.

[Malcolm G]

Watch out , I might flash up my steam powered moan-o-meter..

[Varley]

I might like that but I would be surprised if JJ would.

[YM-Mundrabilla]

Originally Posted by Malcolm G

Watch out , I might flash up my steam powered moan-o-meter..

You had better increase the boiler pressure beforehand (just in case).

[Engine Serang]

A joke is a joke!

Indeed it is but some jokes are jokier than others. Bob, Ron and Malcolm are at the top of their game and I often wet myself reading them. Makko, and V are nibbling at their heels and YM is on the up having left the Wheeltappers and Shunters.
Give the lads a break, the Groan-a-Meter was up there with the Oxygen Meter during the Lockdown, to get us through in good fettle.

[Dartskipper]

Originally Posted by Malcolm G

Everyday facts - according to Hollywood.

1 During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2 All telephone numbers in America begin with the digit 555.
3 Most dogs are immortal.
4 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
5 All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6 All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7 It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
8 Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving
9 The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
10 If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
11 You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
12 Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
13 If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
14 The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
15 A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
16 If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
17 When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
18 Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
19 Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
20 If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21 Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22 Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though their husbands and children never have time to eat it.
23 Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
24 The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
25 A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
26 Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
27 Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
28 Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
29 It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
30 Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
31 All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32 It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
33 A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
34 If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
35 Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh)

36 Tyres (tires) of all cars always squeal when going round corners, no matter how slowly.
37 The posse chasing the suspect on horseback will always pass the same clump of trees at least three times.
38 The pianist is always playing the low notes when the soundtrack is playing the high notes.

Roy.

[Ron Stringer]

Just to let you know, at the Catering College I've nearly finished my sandwich-filling course.


Got my final eggs ham today.

[BobClay]

39 All actors that are immersed in water have clothes that can dry instantly.
40 Smooth bore black powder Colt Single Action Army revolvers are accurate up to 500 yards.

[Malcolm G]

#36 - That would be the special screechy-dust that that they lay on country roads before they start filming.

[Ron Stringer]

seeing its Wimbledon…….

Whilst watching tennis l like to have a refreshing sweet in my pocket. It's my Handy Murray Mint.

[BobClay]

♫♪ Murray Mints, Murray Mints .. too good to hurry mints. ♪♫

That shows yer age a bit ....