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#1451
13th September 2022, 14:00
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I just saw a sports car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.
It was a Lambikini.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last. 
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#1453
13th September 2022, 14:21
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I was on the beach in Blackpool this morning, when I found a man with just his head sticking out of sand.
"You alright mate ?" I asked. "My kids buried me and and can't get out" He said. "I'll get a spade" I said as I went for help. "Make it a big one " He said " I'm sitting on a donkey!"hub
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1455
14th September 2022, 16:14
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All the A E I O and U's have been stolen from Theatre Signs in our region.
Police suspect several cases of vowel play.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1456
15th September 2022, 00:24
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A lorry carrying a full load of treacle was in a bad accident on the motorway this afternoon, spilling its load across all carriageways.
The Chief Inspector of the Traffic Division apologised for any delays, and said his staff will stick on the job until they finish their investigations.
__________________
"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier.
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#1457
15th September 2022, 07:59
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My mate started his new job yesterday as an apprentice in a tailor's shop.
His first job was to learn how to alter a suit that had been worn by an 18 stone bloke who’d dieted and was now down to 10 stone. When I asked him how he was coping with the work he said, “It was a lot to take in.”
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1458
16th September 2022, 21:07
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My musician friend Henry bought some goldfish and named them Major, Minor, Ionian, Dorian, Aolian, Mixolydian, and Phrygian.
The only way he could tell them apart was by studying their scales.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1459
16th September 2022, 23:33
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Quote:
__________________
"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier.
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#1460
18th September 2022, 08:49
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My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. Took him to the vet to get him checked out.
No word yet ....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1461
18th September 2022, 10:48
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Robert!
(I am making a stab at what magic exclamation you mother would have made to stop you when you were behaving badly!)
__________________
David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#1462
18th September 2022, 17:21
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Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.
“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey said, “and drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.” “I invaded Gaul,” Caesar said, “and I too slew 100,000 Gauls.” So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double.
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The Mad Landsman
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#1463
18th September 2022, 17:40
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Oh yes that one takes the biscuit ....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#1464
20th September 2022, 23:32
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Three Nuns died in a car wreck and ended at the Pearly gates.
St Peter welcomed them and said before entering they had to answer a question to ensure they knew about the Bible. First one he asked, Who was the first man on earth ? That was Adam. Correct you may enter. Next Nun your question is, who was the first woman on earth?? That would be Eve St.Peter was her response. The third Nun was the Mother Superior. St Peter said as you should be more knowledgeable so you get a more difficult question. What were Eve's first words when she saw Adam? Oh, that's a hard one she commented. Correct. You may now enter heavan.
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#1465
21st September 2022, 22:17
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My mate was in A & E this morning following an accident. He struggled removing his jogging pants for the examination.
As a result the Doctor has said that he needs an emergency trackybottomy.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1466
22nd September 2022, 08:07
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Gas up, oil up, butter eggs and cheese up, inflation rising, pay rises derisory, sterling tanking against the dollar, 2182 Virus running amok and now we have "As a result the Doctor has said that he needs an emergency trackybottomy".
Dear God is there no relief for the afflicted.
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#1467
22nd September 2022, 08:32
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Before we get to Movember, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat Swiss chocolate next month, I’m doing Octoblerone.
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1468
22nd September 2022, 10:58
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A lorry loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
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The Mad Landsman
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#1470
22nd September 2022, 13:27
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It's over the road from Bugga Hall. You'll be OK as long as it's not fitted with Crittall windows or flat rooves!
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#1471
23rd September 2022, 15:37
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No offence mates.
__________________
Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
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#1472
23rd September 2022, 17:21
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Don't worry my shipmates, Rees Mogg and Tess Coffy will have the unemployed, lame and sick making cobble roads in all weathers and the lower classes don't need any PPE. They built Ermine Street and the Titanic wearing a bit of an overcoat.
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#1475
24th September 2022, 18:09
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At one point during a game, the coach
called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?” “Yes, coach,” replied the little boy. “Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together, as a team?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative. “So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, or curse, or attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?” Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative. The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, we don’t call that 'a dumbass decision' or or that it means that the coach is 'a shithead', right??” “Yes, coach.” “Good”, said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
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Ron __________________________________________________ _________________________ Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last. Last edited by Ron Stringer; 29th September 2022 at 18:44.
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