Humour the best of medicine

[Varley]

I am not sure it is artwork you keep in your attic Bob. Or if you do maybe it is at risk from bat guano.

[Bob Smith]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you
don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book

[Bob Smith]

AARP- American Association of Retired People

Questions and Answers from
AARP Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find
younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under
Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to
live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is
mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be
found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt
..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your
over-70 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're
pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your
glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them
out..

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet
parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your
car.

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have
problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it
is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye
glasses?

A: On their
foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember
these!"

SMILE,
You've still got your sense of
humour, haven't you?

[Dave McGouldrick]

Only works if you have an old fashioned grey keyboard.

[tugger]

Hi Bob.
The two cats.
"Jesus go get some singing lessons"
Tugger

[BobClay]

It got me …

[Farmer John]

I spent 10 seconds trying to make sense of the first part before I looked at the second part.

[Les Gibson]

Got me as well Bob

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Bob Smith

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you
don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book

Reminds me of:

Subject: "You don't know Jack Schitt"

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!
Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

[Varley]

There is only one misunderstanding. The little girl knows some shit but believes in more. The atheist, here, may not know his shit shapes but cannot believe that it is shape that matters most about shit.

[BobClay]

He gets my vote …

[BobClay]

Be careful of what you ask for …..

[Dave McGouldrick]

Only a few more weeks

[BobClay]

Rho x L divided by A

[Dave McGouldrick]

Three elderly ladies were sunning themselves on a beach in the Bahamas and were shocked when a very well endowed local streaker sauntered along close by them.
Two of the ladies had a stroke - the third one couldn't quite reach.

[BobClay]

Hieragly.... errrr Hierogliph.... Hieroglyphics.... (sod it, didn't want to spell it anyway ...)

[BobClay]

The last thing you need in the morning is a smart bat around the ear hole....

[tugger]

Psychiatric Hotline.
Hello welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
** If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
** If you are co-dependent please have someone press 2 for you.
** If you have multiple personalities please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
** If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which one to
press.
** If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which one you press as nobody will answer.
** If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line and we will trace the call.
{Community Mental Health Services}
[We Care]
Tugger

[Les Gibson]

Love it. It is so politically incorrect!

[JustWin]

Are we on the same page OR WHAT ?

[Harry Nicholson]

Originally Posted by tugger

Psychiatric Hotline.
Hello welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
** If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
** If you are co-dependent please have someone press 2 for you.
** If you have multiple personalities please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
** If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which one to
press.
** If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which one you press as nobody will answer.
** If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line and we will trace the call.
{Community Mental Health Services}
[We Care]
Tugger

That brought a welcome chuckle. Broke my arm last week, and need a laugh.

[John Rogers]

Elderly Banking..Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied* by documented proof.* In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number ofbutton presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS:
THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,

And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[BobClay]

Tortoise humour …

[Engine Serang]

I read somewhere that Bob had jumped ships and was never again to entertain us with tales of Stafford and Devon or Dorset, and I was a happy man. Happiness is ephemeral, unlike real ale which is always inferior.

[BobClay]

Always glad to help with happiness. Figure this joke should bring virtually orgasmic joy …