Humour the best of medicine

[Varley]

I hate to carp but:

Real ale is, through it's regulatory effects, the source of happiness.

Heavy Metal? Certainly neither the classical approach to WT blading nor a likely one to score in future. A lighter composition is required.

[BobClay]

Laughter is dead and gone … never to be resurrected.

[BobClay]

But I'm going to keep on trying … despite the dampening field from hell ….

(You should have worked at Chernobyl back in the day Varlers … could have saved us all a lot of bother … )

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Varley

I hate to carp but:

Real ale is, through it's regulatory effects, the source of happiness.

What did the old billboards day?? "A Guinness a day keeps the doctor away"

A good source of iron in addition to the regularity.

[Varley]

That mistake has been made before (the Japanese tackled an overheating waste flask by hosing it down so increasing the effect of moderation until criticality - much like the natural reactors of Gabon). Guinness provides much the same effect when used to hose down a vindaloo.

You must have one at eleven, it's a duty that has to be done, if you can't have one at eleven you must have eleven at one.

[lakercapt]

Originally Posted by Tom Alexander

What did the old billboards day?? "A Guinness a day keeps the doctor away"

When running down the West African coast the billboards said "Guinness gives you Power"

[Apple82]

Originally Posted by Varley

That mistake has been made before (the Japanese tackled an overheating waste flask by hosing it down so increasing the effect of moderation until criticality - much like the natural reactors of Gabon). Guinness provides much the same effect when used to hose down a vindaloo.

You must have one at eleven, it's a duty that has to be done, if you can't have one at eleven you must have eleven at one.

My personal record is ten, in the Flying Angel in Southampton 1980.

[Tom Alexander]

Originally Posted by Apple82

My personal record is ten, in the Flying Angel in Southampton 1980.

You're a better man than I, Gunga Din. Here's to ya!

[BobClay]

That's odd, I normally see flying velociraptors (purple ones) when I've had that many.

[BobClay]

I used to have this problem when going to the chemists … although not for this particular subject (I hasten to add … )

[BobClay]

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

[Engine Serang]

Christmas Dinner is sure to be a hoot.

[BobClay]

Halloween ?

Forget demons and hobgoblins. Forget spooks and characters from the dark side.

Forget Zombies, forget feral kids, forget velociraptors, forget aliens with lots of teeth and acid for blood .....

Let me show you something REALLY terrifying should you open your front door: ...... this pair with a chimney brush …

[John Rogers]

Loved those two. Bob have you ever seen them dancing together in the Chubby Checkers tune "The Twist" they are great.

There are a few versions of it but the Cowboy one is the best I think.

[tugger]

Small boy got fed up as every time he was at a wedding little old ladies used to jab him with a finger and say "Your Next."
So when he went to funerals he used to jab them and say,"Your Next'.
Tugger

[John Rogers]

: Put out the damn cat..








We were dressed and ready to go out to a Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the evening. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, he got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!... She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.













Brighten your day.

[BobClay]

Strangely no-one knocked on his door on the night of Halloween …

[lakercapt]

Three Italian Nuns were driving down the Auttostrada when their small Fiat was hit by a transport
truck.
Ended up at the early gates to be greeted by St. Peter.
“I was not expecting you for a few years yet and I would like as compensation to allow you back on
earth as whomsoever you would like for six months.
The first Nun asked that she go back as Sophia Lorian as she had a very interesting life.
Second Nun wished to return as Madonna as she was a good example of how the wild side of life was.
The third Nun after some though asked St. Peter to return her as Alberta Pipeline. Who is this was the
puzzled St. Pete?
The Nun produced a newspaper and showed the article to the puzzled Saint.
Oh Sister responded the Saint you have it all wrong.
What the newspaper article said was
Alberta Pipe Line was laid by 1500 men in six months.
Oh said the disappointed Nun I thought it was something different

[BobClay]

DAVE: (played by BJ) … "Open the Downing Street Doors please HAL."
HAL: (played by TM) … "I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
DAVE: … "What appears to be the problem ?"
HAL: … "You're planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid I can't allow that."
DAVE: … "Where'd you get that idea HAL ?"
HAL: … "I saw your lips move ."

[Engine Serang]

Bob exits stage left.

[Varley]

"Daisy, Daisy...…bicycle...………………………….two".
"Well, mate, you shouldn't have called me 'Dave'"!

[Engine Serang]

"Well, mate, you shouldn't have called me 'Dave'"!


He deserves six of the best, in the good old fashioned IOM way.

[BobClay]

HAL: "Not in the slightest bit. I enjoy working with people. I have a stimulating relationship with Dr. Poole and Dr. Bowman. My mission responsibilities range over the entire operation of the ship so I am constantly occupied. I am putting myself to the fullest possible use which is all, I think, that any conscious entity can ever hope to do."

Douglas Rain, voice of HAL, died a few days ago. Perfect voice for a calm, murderous computer, itself the victim of human folly.

[BobClay]

A few years ago I was on holiday in Spain and stayed in a nice little inn just south of Madrid.

After a day I caught a bad case of the flu, and after sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called down to the desk for help.

“Oh so you're sick,” they replied. “Don't worry, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away.”

The doctor strolled into the room within minutes, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out: “I didn’t think the hotel would have their own doctor on call?”

He simply shook his head and cracked a smile, then said:

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician.”

[Les Gibson]

Bob
I'm going to build a huge groanometer.