Humour the best of medicine

[Jolly Jack]

It' no good unless it's "Spot-on".....

JJ.

[Andy D]

Originally Posted by Makko

There was also half a gnat's d1ck! Useful for things like fuel injectors.
Rgds.
Dave

The other precise measurement was “the thickness of a fly shit”

[Engine Serang]

In Hull it was a midges dick or if it was a tight tolerance the allowance was two fifths of fuck all. Not every tool room could handle that.

[Makko]

Correct! Give that man a Distinction on his Diploma!

[Makko]

That is were the expression, "Shimmy it in." comes from!

[Les Gibson]

I sailed with a great guy, Tony Hodgson from Wallsend. He only had two measurements:
Tight as fuck or slack as a bastard.
He only needed 2 items in his tool box, a hammer and a roll of duct tape.
If it moved and it shouldn't use duct tape
If it didn't move and it should use a hammer

[Poxydoxy]

What about the universal 'ISH Standard

[Makko]

Originally Posted by Poxydoxy

What about the universal 'ISH Standard

Ha ha ha! I was going to say "Spot On!".
Rgds.
Dave

[al1934]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the lectern .
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced. "Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[Makko]

Good one Alick!

[Engine Serang]

Sternum is Latin for Ball-Bag.

[al1934]

Originally Posted by Makko

Good one Alick!

Thanks and having had a biopsy into my scrotum (as one does when past middle age) I can commiserate. A female doctor and two female nurses took part - it was hell, I tell you!!!

[OLDGIT77]

Originally Posted by al1934

Thanks and having had a biopsy into my scrotum (as one does when past middle age) I can commiserate. A female doctor and two female nurses took part - it was hell, I tell you!!!

Hi ,al1934 .

Know the feeling , had a camera up my whatsit twice [ age 77 ] and both
times a female doctor .
Do you think they take that profesion to get back and inflick pain on their
fellow men . ha,ha .

Even had camera down my throat twice and three times up
my posterior and both times with women . only good thing two nice young
nurses held me still .

Said to my local doctor that ive been poked and scanned over most of my body
but never had my brain checked , he laughed and said that could be arranged .

All the best . take care .

Tony

[John Rogers]

Hope they cleaned the camera before each procedures.

[rustytrawler]

Eyup Al if you had been 20 i.t would have been the best day out ever, three nurse's messing about with your Kendo nagersackies.

[John Rogers]

Paddy goes for a job as a fork lift truck operator in Dublin but has a Norwegian guy as a competitor for the same job so the interviewer sets them a 20 questions exam paper and shows them to a room advising that whoever scores the most will get the job.
After 30 mins they both come out and hand in their papers...the interviewer marks them both and they both score 19 out of 20 and he calls them in and says "Well, you both scored 19 but I am giving the job to Leif the Norwegian"to which Paddy says "Hang on a minute...surely me being the local guy should have priority" to which the interviewer replies "Well, my decision is based on the fact that you both got question 9 wrong ,and, where Leif wrote "I don't know the answer", you wrote "Neither do I"

[al1934]

Originally Posted by rustytrawler

Eyup Al if you had been 20 i.t would have been the best day out ever, three nurse's messing about with your Kendo nagersackies.

It was the shame of it. Two lovely ladies to hold me down while the doc did the slicing job. I heard someone say, "It looks like a cock but its too small". Smallest and prettiest in the Fleet.

[John Rogers]

Whoever said it was right, Cocks are BIGGER than THAT. (Just joking Alick I'm built the same way)
Good worker thou, no complaints.

[rustytrawler]

As we say in Yorkshire...you would not want it on the end of your nose for a wort.

[AlbieR]

Originally Posted by rustytrawler

As we say in Yorkshire...you would not want it on the end of your nose for a wort.

The best reply to that I heard in Betty's Bar Glasgow was by a lady of the night who said "Och, I'd powder over it sonny".

[Engine Serang]

I've lived a very sheltered life.

[AlbieR]

Originally Posted by Engine Serang

I've lived a very sheltered life.

So ES never got to the Golden Moon Bar in Mauritius, it was that bad the bouncers stood outside and threw people in!

[Hugh Shuttleworth]

I gave a truthful answer!

[Harry Nicholson]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars" the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

[Dave McGouldrick]

A little something from a couple of years back. It was taken down quickly, but I thought it well up to the usual standard

https://youtu.be/gOO0Xlf6Ang?si=yLuWTYLxbHrf5M2m