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#176
18th November 2018, 10:44
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I don't know Les, I know he hates me but I still liked that one. Even Mrs JJ tittered...... JJ. 
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#177
18th November 2018, 11:05
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Quote:
__________________
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais
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#178
18th November 2018, 12:33
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If you build a good Groanometer the world will beat a path to your door.
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#180
21st November 2018, 13:55
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Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you're having a bad day …..
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#181
21st November 2018, 18:41
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Imagine the confusion had it crashed on the A40 near Oxford.
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#183
23rd November 2018, 16:55
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#185
24th November 2018, 01:30
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The white house press secretary walked into the Oval Office and greeted the president. You look happy the president said, why is that?? Well, Sir, I had a very good dream last night. What was it about asked POTUS. I was watching a big parade going down Pennsylvania Avenue and there were Big bands and people were smiling and waving flags. Was I there he asked. Yes, sir, you were. Was I happy?? I don't know Sir as it was a closed casket !!!!
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#186
24th November 2018, 11:13
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Quote:
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#187
25th November 2018, 13:09
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To the fellah who thought this joke up, I can only say one thing: R.I.P.
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#188
25th November 2018, 14:43
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Quote:
__________________
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais
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#189
25th November 2018, 15:38
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Age
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a darn any more. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise ?? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ? 7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post. 9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20. HAVE I POSTED THIS POST PREVIOUSLY. .........?????? geoff
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#190
25th November 2018, 18:40
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Doing a 'grate' job YoHoHo
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#191
25th November 2018, 18:59
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You don't want to see what others have done to that little elf...
__________________
Buvez toujours, mourrez jamais. Rabelais
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#192
26th November 2018, 18:44
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Thanksgiving dinner …. Disney style ….
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#193
28th November 2018, 01:18
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"Contactless?", asked the girl in the supermarket when I offered a card in payment.
"Brainless!", said the Misses, clearly with decades of evidence to rely on. 
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#194
1st December 2018, 12:57
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One should never pass up the opportunity to make a few quid ….
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#195
3rd December 2018, 19:09
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Trump and Pelosi go fishing
The President and the head of the Democrat Party, Nancy Pelosi, are arguing extensively over allowing immigrants into our country. Nancy of course wants free access to everyone who wants to come in, while Donald wants us to secure our borders and insure only the right people come in. Instead of going to a costly, time-consuming nationwide vote on the matter, they agree to a 3-day ice fishing contest to settle the issue whoever catches the most fish at the end of the 3 days will have his or her process implemented. The two decide that a remote frozen lake in northern** Wisconsin** would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds,** but both would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 PM so they use a neutral park ranger station. * After Day 1, Trump returns to the station with a total of 10 fish, while Pelosi comes back with nothing. Day 2 finishes and Trump catches another 20 fish, but Pelosi once again comes back with nothing. * That night, Pelosi and her liberal cronies get together and accuse Trump of being a “low-life, cheating piece of scum.”** Instead of fishing on Day 3, they are going to follow Trump and to spy on him and figure out how he is cheating. * Day 3 finishes up and Trump has had an incredible day, adding 40 more to his total. That night, Pelosi and her democratic cohorts get together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Pelosi stands up to give her report and says, “You are not going to believe this. Trump is cheating because he's cutting holes in the ice” * And this, my friends, tells you the difference between a businessman and a career government politician. *
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#196
4th December 2018, 15:54
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Festive (?) cat.
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#197
7th December 2018, 01:13
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Along the same lines:-
THE TREE IS DOWN … NOW TO DEAL WITH THE MINIONS (EVIL LAUGH)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#198
7th December 2018, 06:52
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Two rich Americans decided to go ice fishing in Canada. They chartered a small plane on skis, and landed on a secluded Manitoba lake. They unloaded all their gear, the heated fishing hut, rods, reels, bait, power ice auger, etc. Once set up they cut the hole in the ice and commenced to fish. After half a day they hadn't caught a thing, but they noticed an old, obviously local chap about 200 yards away, sitting there in the open with a stick with a bit of string on for gear, and he was hauling in substantial fish one after the other.
After having spent all the money to get there, and not wanting to get "skunked" they decided to go over and ask the old man what his secret to catching fish was. He replied "Yomb guta mmmb ya mmmmbss wmb" They said "Sorry, sir, we didn't understand what you said" The old man opened his mouth, emptied it into his hand and said "You've got to keep your worms warm!!" 
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#199
7th December 2018, 09:56
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#200
10th December 2018, 20:56
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Walking the Dog
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!) The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
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