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#3
20th April 2017, 22:53
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#7
21st April 2017, 16:31
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Was in a bar last night and ordered 16 pints, 12 G&T's and a coke....Barman asked if I wanted a tray.... told him.."feck sake do you not think I've enough to carry"
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Oul scabby knuckles  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Anything God didn't create was made by engineers. I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots 
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#8
21st April 2017, 16:35
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Old salt appears in court charged with multiple counts of rape, sexual assault, buggery and obscene behaviour. When asked how he pleads he mumbled something inaudible in response.. "Speak up man" ordered the judge upon which the defence barrister said "Your honour my client has a very sore throat and is unable to speak"........ "would he like to suck a Fisherman's Friend?" enquired the judge "No your honour" replied the barrister "I think he's in enough feckin' trouble as it is"
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Oul scabby knuckles If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Anything God didn't create was made by engineers. I try so hard to make things idiot proof but they keep making better idiots
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#9
21st April 2017, 17:23
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On a similar note to #8
Judge: Before I pass sentence does the accused have anything to say? Accused (Mumbling): F*ck all Judge: Clerk of the court, what did the accused say? Clerk: The accused said 'F*ck all' mi'lud Judge: That's funny, I could have sworn I saw his lips move
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#11
24th April 2017, 23:40
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Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection," I replied. "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!
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#12
25th April 2017, 15:32
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Mine was not done naked but with what I now realise was a San Francisco inspired pair of specially tailored navy blue skiddies. Just as with a cinema projection room there was an opening for the entertainment equipment to be introduced to the ticket holder.
(We do deserve double bubble for repeating our posts. 4 on stop on. Mustn't risk missing any opportunity to be tedious).
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David V Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right It is the duty of the wealthy man To give employment to the artisan
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#13
25th April 2017, 20:03
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Young Freddie is sitting quietly in the Church wearing his Sunday best. It is the occasion of the wedding of a distant cousin. Freddie starts to get bored waiting for the service to start, so like all young boys he starts to ask questions.
"Mummy, will the Bride be wearing a white dress?" "Of course she will, dear. Now keep quiet, there's a good boy." "But Mummy, do all brides wear white dresses?" "Yes, they do." "But why do they wear white dresses?" "Oh for goodness sake dear, it's because it shows they are pure and virginal and honest, just like young women should be on their wedding day. Now keep quiet, please." Freddie senses that he has annoyed his Mum, so he turns to his Father. "Daddy, do you know why ladies wear white dresses on their wedding day?" "Of course I do son," he replies, "It's simple really. All kitchen appliances are white,"
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#15
30th April 2017, 23:58
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I have to try and stop forgetting things .. (or at least some of them.)
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#16
1st May 2017, 16:07
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"Why did you call me Teresa, Mummy?"
"Well dear, you were born near the Easter holiday in the Spring. That is such a lovely time of the year, when everything is beginning to grow, the birds are building their nests, and the lawns are getting their first cut, everything is fresh and new. I thought it would be nice to name you after such a lovely time of the year, so I chose Teresa because it is an anagram of Easter, darling." "Oh Mummy, that's lovely, thank you, I never thought about it like that before. What a clever idea." Teresa's very annoying little brother has overheard the conversation. "Is my name an anagram too, Mummy?" "Yes, Alan."
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#18
2nd May 2017, 18:18
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Somebody paying tribute to the classic 'Two Ronnies' sketch ....
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#19
2nd May 2017, 19:51
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Quote:
__________________
Ray ........ a closed mouth gathers no feet! 
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#20
2nd May 2017, 20:04
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#21
2nd May 2017, 20:12
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I'm sad to say I wrote down all the combinations of the four letters (not so bad as 'a' occurs twice so the combo's are reduced by a quarter) before I got the answer.
 Yes, I know .... I need to get out more ....
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#23
2nd May 2017, 21:33
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 "OK then class, can anybody tell me what the letters DNA stand for?" "Please Sir, the National Dyslexia Association."
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#24
2nd May 2017, 22:12
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Reminds of that John Bishop joke:
When he was a kid he came home from school and handed is Dad his school report. "It says here you suffer from Dyslexia," his Dad said. "What's Dyslexia ?" "It means I get my letters mixed up and jumbled," he replied. "RIGHT ! " said his Dad sternly. "Go outside and GET IN THE CAR." Frightened he went out and got into the car. His Dad came out and they drove off, down through the Mersey Tunnel, down the Wirral and across the border into Wales. "Get out," said his Dad. He got out, fearful of what was about to happen. His Dad pointed up at an old roadsign with lots of place names on it. "There you are Son, don't feel so bad, you're not the only one."
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Corporal Hicks (Actually Ripley said it first.)
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#25
3rd May 2017, 08:57
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Quote:
(Just 'avin you on!)
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