Dear Olllllllllllllllld Dad

John Rogers · #1 8th January 2019, 19:51

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ...takes a breath ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

Engine Serang · #2 8th January 2019, 21:26

Very typecast.

In my village we don't care what religion you are as long as you're not a catholic.

Farmer John · #3 8th January 2019, 23:22

My Belfast Irish Granny was heard to say "No better than monkeys", but, thank goodness, she was talking about my brothers new wife in Thailand and was not making a religious point.

BobClay · #4 8th January 2019, 23:23

I had a word with God the other day. I asked him to explain all the trouble and strife and horror in the world. He gave me an answer I didn't much like, so I shot him.

I wonder if things will get better !!

John Rogers · #5 9th January 2019, 17:14

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

SJB · #6 11th January 2019, 21:20

Good punchline, as I thought the joke was finished one line from the end and was only so, so the ending being expected. I saw a television documentary program yesterday btw, about Pehr Gyllenhammar, former boss of Volvo. He looked older than 89, but damn if he was not pushing a baby pram with a young delicious blonde wife at his side.

Varley · #7 12th January 2019, 11:34

And doesn't the bairn look like the chauffeur?

Gulpers · #8 15th January 2019, 21:37

A London lawyer on holiday in Ireland, drives through a 'Stop' sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London and is certain that he has a better education than any 'foreign' cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense.

Irish Garda says, "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer with it, and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

billyboy · #9 3rd February 2019, 21:51

.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gulpers

A London lawyer on holiday in Ireland, drives through a 'Stop' sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London and is certain that he has a better education than any 'foreign' cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense.

Irish Garda says, "Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer with it, and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

erimus · #10 17th March 2019, 15:53

For those that may have missed on visiting SN?

The densest element known to man has been found.

CORBYNIUM

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element
yet known to man.

The new element has been named Corbynium.

Corbynium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 233 assistant deputy
Neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dense forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast
quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol for Corbynium will be RS (pronounced ‘arse’’).

Corbynium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements
in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Corbynium molecule, leading to
the formation of “iso-dopes”.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Corbynium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain density of voting concentration.

Corbynium will appear on the Periodic Table just above the classification of “Amoeba".

Apologies - CORRECTION:-

Corbynium will appear on the Periodic Table
Just BELOW the classification of “Amoeba”.

geoff

Dartskipper · #11 17th March 2019, 16:19

Is it related chemically to McDonnellerium?

lakercapt · #12 18th March 2019, 12:51

Tiger Wood was driving his rented Mercedes in Ireland and looked at the gauge and saw he needed gas.
Pulled into an Esso station and it was one of these ones that had an attendant pump the gas. When the fellow had finished Tiger paid with his credit card and decided to give the pleasant fellow a tip.
Put his hand in his pocket and brought out some Euro coins and a couple of golf tees.
What are these the guy asked?
They are golf tees said, Tiger.
What do you use them for?
You put your balls in them when driving.
My my the fellow said these German engineers think of everything!!!!

John Rogers · #13 20th March 2019, 17:49

One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.'Wow Craig , looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..' The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.
' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up seven times.'