Humour the best of medicine

[Y0ungN1ck]

[Malcolm G]

What do you call a blind stag?



No eyed deer.

[Engine Serang]

Originally Posted by Y0ungN1ck

Sacked crew gets their Blue.

[Dartskipper]

Cue the galley slave jokes.

1) A new slave joins a galley and is put to work on the oars. That lunchtime they are served good quality meat and vegetables, with a nice dessert , coffee and sweet snacks. The newcomer remarks that the food is much better than he expected, or had been warned about. Another veteran slave replies that they don't get that sort of food every day, only when the Captain wants to go water skiing.

2) The galley slaves were at the oars, keeping up a steady rhythm when the slave master starts walking between the benches, and begins to flog the slaves with a cat o' nine tails. One of the veteran slaves asks what is going on, and is told that it is the new captain's birthday so there will be a whip round amongst the crew.

(As told by Tommy Cooper. R.I.P.)

[Malcolm G]

The galley slaves were taking a rest after a full day rowing under merciless sun with the sound of the slave driver's gong still ringing in their ears.

"It's not the captain's waterskiing that bothers me so much" said one slave to his shipmate. "It's that gong, gong, gong every two seconds. I'm going to get rid of it"

The slaves decide that under cover of darkness, they would lift the gong from its chains and throw it overboard.
"We can't do it like that" suggested one of the plotters "They would be sure to hear us - we'll have to find a way to slip it quietly into the water".

So that night, six of the slaves lifted the heavy gong and carried it carefully to the stern of the galley - but there was no way to slip the gong into the water without banging it noisily on the boat.

"I have it! - I'll slip under the rail and hold on with my back to the stern, then I will act as a slide for you to ease the gong over my body and quietly into the water", said the brightest of the slaves.

This was working perfectly, when suddenly the slave driver appeared behind the plotters.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he shouted.
To a man, the men sprang to attention, and burst into song ...

One, two, three -

"We're sliding a gong on the chest of a slave ...."

[Ron Stringer]

My mate went out on a blind date with a girl who's a dentist last night.

Apparently she told him “everything was great and I’d like to see you again in six months.”

[Makko]

I swear that I will never open this thread again...........Hopefully!

Well done, Ron!

Rgds.
Dave

[BobClay]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get that awful f***ing hairdo?"

[Engine Serang]

I deserve better.

[Ron Stringer]

Despite owning a smooth-haired Vizsla I still love shaggy dog stories.

[Makko]

Talking about dogs.....

Iwent to eat some tacos. They were delicious. The owner came over and I complimented her on the beef tacos. She said,"They are not any old beef, they are Fillet". I ordered some more.

As the owner brought my tacos, she was preceded by a very handsome young Alsatian, very friendly and I started to stroke him.

"What a beautiful dog, what's his name?", I asked the owner.

"Thanks" said the owner,"He's new, his name is Fillet 2!".

(Well, you have to know the Mexican urban myths of dogs and cats disappearing, I suppose!)

Rgds.
Dave

[Engine Serang]

Brits always treat foreign food as questionable but have no problems with Whores Handbags.

[Dartskipper]

There are a number of takeaways and kebab shops in Saltash serving the usual exotic delicacies. However there is also one that proudly declares exactly what it serves up. It's called "Foreign Muck."

[al1934]

There used to be a popular Chinese restaurant at Drake Circus, Plymouth before it was all 'modernised'. In 1965 we went there for our mess dinner. Next day we read in Evening Herald that it had been closed down because they had been including cats in their dishes! So we had all probably been eating cats...........

[Makko]

Again, talking of cats and dogs, an old Liverpool joke.........:

A burly docker, Pat, comes home after a double shift at Canada and Huskisson. He's sweaty dirty and very, very hungry.

He sits down at the table in the kitchen and says:

"Love, I'm starving. What's for dinner?"
"Beans on toast", says his wife, rather sheepishly.
"BLUDDY 'ELL!", exclaims the docker,"We've eaten beans on toast for the last two weeks!"
"Sorry, Luv", says his wife,"It's just that everything is so expensive and we don't have a lot of money to spare".

The docker gets up, puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out some money, putting it on the table.

"Look Luv. I worked a double header today. Here's some extra money. I want to see meat and two veg on the table tomorrow night". He sits down and says,"Now, give me my bluddy beans".

The next day, the wife picks up the extra cash off the table and goes out to the shops. She is in a bit of a panic as she isn't the best of cooks and can't decide what to buy for dinner.

Just then, she runs into an old friend. The friend sees the tears in her eyes and asks,"What's up pet?".

The wife tells her about the lack of money, her husband's ultimatum and her lack of culinary skill.

"Don't worry, Pet. Do what I do - Buy a can of dog food, some carrots and a couple of potatoes. You can make a hash, casserole, stew, scouse, every day and it's very cheap. Your fella will love it! Don't worry, our Frank does and I've been giving him the same thing for years!".

The wife thanks her friend and finds that she can stock up for over a week with the extra money. She goes home and cooks up the ingredients. When the docker comes home, he says,"What's that smell? It's smells delicious!"

The docker sits at the table and his wife serves him a plate of steaming stew. The docker is well pleased and compliments his wife.

This goes on for a couple of weeks and, once again at the shops, the wife runs into her friend.

"So, how's it going, Pet?" asks the friend.
The wife smiles,"Ta, luv for the tip. Are Pat is well pleased. Every night, he comes in and I serve him the spuds, carrots and dog food in a different way and he is well pleased!"
"Great!", says the friend,"Keep it up".

A few weeks pass. The friend runs into the wife at the shops. The wife is all in black and tearful.

"What's wrong?" asks the friend.
"Oh! It's Pat, he's dead!!", says the wife.
"OH NO! What happened? An accident at work", asks the friend.
"No", says the wife,"He was run over by a bus!".
"Run over by a bus? How?", asks the friend.

"Well", said the wife,"Pat had just left work and saw his bus coming. He ran to cross the road to catch it".
"What happened though, did he trip, slide, fall or something?", asked the friend.

"No. When he got to the middle of the road, he sat down to lick his dick and the 22 bus just ran over him!"

Rgds.
Dave

[Dartskipper]

I posted this one on t'other site years ago, but it might survive retelling here.

The very old Head of the Clan was on his deathbed, and asked for each of his three sons to see him so he could grant them a last wish.

The first son asked for a new tartan kilt, as his current one was getting a bit faded, as well as tight around the waist. "That's fine son, I shall grant your wish. Go and order a new one and put it on my account."

The second son asked for a tartan bonnet, as he didn't own one himself. "Why of course son, go and order a new one and put it on my account."

The third one approached his dying father.
"What would you like son? Your brothers have chosen to have a new tartan kilt and a new tartan bonnet. What new tartan thing would you like? Tartan trews perhaps?"

"Well father, it's like this. I would really like to have a thousand pounds please."

"A thousand pounds? What on earth do need a thousand pounds for. Have you been gambling again?"

"No Father, it's not that at all."

"Well, what could it possibly be for then?"

"I got a tart in trouble," the son replied.

[BobClay]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...I'm trying to break this gently, the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having an new kitchen with granite worktops."

[Ron Stringer]

A bloke facing a firing squad was asked if he had any last words.

He replied, “yes, I sincerely hope you’re all going to miss me!”

[John Rogers]

https://www.shippinghistory.com/images/attach/jpg.gif

[Makko]

I like the watermark, U. John - "VINOLICIOUS"!

[Engine Serang]

You should shower at 55–62°F for a Light- and Medium-Bodied Red.

[John Rogers]

Vino and more Vino, Doctors orders.

[BobClay]

Doctor Doctor, I think I've got an inferiority complex !

I can't think why you insignificant little blob of utterly useless matter !!

[John Rogers]

Old Goats Quiz:

Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd. Which of the following names are familiar? 1-10

1. Monica Lewinsky

2. Spiro Agnew

3. Benito Mussolini

4. Adolf Hitler

5. Jorge Bergoglio

6. Alfonse Capone

7. Vladimir Putin

8. Linda Lovelace

9. Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods

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You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?

Lovely, just lovely.

[BobClay]

It's a fair cop ....